Deewane Huye Paagal

Cast: Akshay Kumar, Akshay Kumar, Akshay Kumar
Direction: Vikram Bhatt

Boy o boy. She's no Helen of Troy. Yet every male in sight wants to hold her tight and spend a  king's fortune over her in Dubai, and generally behave as if  she's crunchier than a naan khatai. Woe betide.

The way Vikram Bhatt's Deewane Huye Paagal goes yonkers-bonkers over a very vapid woman, you'd think she was the last female left on earth.

Or is it just that Bhatt and his producer couldn't sign on Cameron Diaz of There's Something About Mary? Very sorry, but this quarter-baked clone of that Hollywood laffathon compels you to rue the day you were born. Weep, mummy-o-my-rumbling-tummy, this can't be entertainment. Eeeeps.

In fact, Nuts Have Become Nuttier makes you worry about your mental hygiene. You're not sure whether you're slipping into deathly dementia.

Or, hello, is this Tanya Baby (Rimii Sen again, again and again) being seriously wooed-'n'-cooed by a pack of boys, men and budha log? Everyone and their grandpas on this planet desires Rimii. Strange.

Count among them a con man (Akshay Kumar hogging the footage as usual), a Bugs Bunny-toothed college boy who's graduated to become a coffee shop waiter (Shahid Kapur in a boxer shorts appearance).

And yoiks, there's a gent whose hair-do's come in all shapes, spikes and technicolours (Suniel Shetty dye-hard). How baal-istic really.

Bore more: Paresh Rawal  also goes ape over Miss Vapid. In addition, Om Puri (et tu?) has his evil designs on Vappyji. To add to the malarkey, Vijay Raaz is  called a vampire ever so rudely. And oldtimer Asrani rides a mobike  till you scream for his safety. Oof.

Meanness, actually, is the leitmotif of this higgledy-piggledy atrocity: a pomeranian is subjected to sadistic torture (Maneka Gandhi, are you watching?), silly jokes are cracked at the expense of the physically handicapped, to the extent of using such words as "langda" and "lulla".

Throughout the dialogue bristles with double entendres. Toilet humour ke liye kuch bhi karega, kya!

Moreover, the picture also serves as an interminable ego-trip for Akshay Kumar to flaunt his overacting (he was terrific in Khakee; apparently excess has gone to his head).

Paresh Rawal's tired antics indicate that he needs a long holiday in the Himalayas.  Vivek Oberoi's eye-dilating sutradhar act adds to the ennui.

Rimii Sen is the Mystery Woman of 2005. A non-actress, she's been  seen in one high-powered project after another. Sadly, she has blown every opportunity to leave a footprint, faceprint, whatever, on your mind.

Like the performances, Anu Malik's music score, Ganesh Acharya's choreography and Pravin Bhatt's cinematography are strictly mediocre.

Frankly, Shahid Kapur is the only likeable element in this travesty. When he dances, he's boss, even making the khiladis look as if they have two left feet. That's not sufficient reason though to sample this Deewane Hooey Phooey. Stay home and cook a paagal paneer instead.