Talking about Love, Sex and Disability

"I didn't think you could have disabled sex workers. But as I started working with sex workers, I realised that a lot of disabled women land up in these communities because their families can't take care of them. They don't seem to work normally, but as sex workers, they do very successfully. Then there are disabled men who come to access sex workers..." @meenaseshu, who works with rural women, shares through a video she's tweeted to Sex&Disability—a Twitter campaign aimed at creating awareness and busting myths about disabilities, love and sex.

Since it was launched by Rachana Iyer aka Ray and Rohan Sabhrawal of CraYon Impact on 28 November 2016, many people with physical disabilities and mental ailments, as well as those who've worked with them, are tweeting stories through videos selfies, one-liners and blogs posts. @ManashPriyal talks about how disabled people aren't given HIV counselling because of the assumption that they are sexually inactive. @SmallTalkPolice insists that dating apps should be more inclusive instead of narrowing down the courting pool to similar people by creating exclusive apps for the disabled.

Iyer pursued Masters of Social Work (Disability Studies and Action) from Tata Institute of Social Sciences in 2012 and Sabhrawal has been studying mental illness for about 15 years after being diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. They want the disabled to speak for themselves because they found that "in the larger disability discourse there's no focus on sexuality, as it's assumed they have other things to worry about."

"They are asexualised the world over," laments Iyer, recalling an autistic teen with very high IQ she'd met. "I asked his mother whether he goes on dates – for her it's a complete no-no. He doesn't like social interactions as much as most people, but 'no dates' is her decision. By excluding those like him from sex education or guidance, we kill that aspect of their personality, reducing them to infants."

Asexualising also builds an architecture that's not disabled-friendly, depriving them of places to hang out and entertainment, and possibilities of meeting people romantically or otherwise.

Our over protectiveness makes it worse for women says Iyer, adding that "Sometimes families think their disabled member only deserves or can get another disabled partner. One such woman I'd met at a slum was abused by her husband who had the same disability as her. Empathy is not guaranteed and lack of conversations around sex also leaves them without ideas of consent."

The physically disabled – like visually challenged @Tonykurien tweets – feel that "sex has been out of his reach because he's not seen as a subject of sexuality."

The mental domain

While the tangibleness of their problem makes people feel guilty when walking out on partners with physical disability, it's easier to do so with those living with mental ailments. "They can just say I can't take it," says Sabharwal, who tends to swing between phases of depression and mania; the latter entails very heightened self-esteem, allowing him to take bold and sometimes almost reckless decisions, and work a lot.

The award-winning filmmaker finds it very easy to get into relationships in his manic phases: "Women are impressed. Rachana and I once spoke for 48 hours straight. I get totally involved—message, share quotes, read up and make recommendations...for both it's the best feeling ever. But despite knowing my condition, many don't expect the other side. The depressive part, the personality disorder that inhibits me from trusting fully, withdrawals or treatments that make me dislike contact sometimes or times I want to make love, but can't. Sometimes, I see it coming, but my mind lies to me...relationships end in the worst possible outcomes." Seeing scars he's got from multiple suicide attempts, he feels disbelief as he can never recall those black-out moments.

People don't realise the irrational behaviour results from illness and is not the person's intent. But having studied disability, Iyer is better equipped. "On meeting him, all that I had learnt made a lot more sense. We've had our challenges, but we are both great communicators and so we've found our ways to diffuse situations."

It took her time to get over the need to drop everything and rush to him every time he had a breakdown "I'd blame myself and feel guilty, but realised it's not in my control. Sometimes he wants to deal with it alone. But when he's depressed it has a physical impact on him, he can't move, turn on the lights, do anything...so I know he'll want me around."

What bothers her the most, though, is the pedestal she's put on for dating him as if he doesn't contribute to her. "Due to a childhood trauma, I'm very sensitive person, have rage issues and lose control too. Other men left me when I needed them most, but Rohan stood up for me. With him I don't have to hide anything or feel ashamed." She also enjoys the intellectual stimulation. "He's very aggressive in pursuit of subjects such as disability, which gave me courage to start my own thing," she says.

"His design and creative skills opened me up to using the arts. He also acts a as mirror, pointing out my mistakes. And that's the thing, such relationships just require an open mind and understanding."

Less than a handful organisations in India work on the issue of disability and sex, but WHO's latest report should wake us up —15% of the world's population, that's almost 1 in 7 people, lives with some form of disability. Of these 2 - 4% experience significant difficulties in functioning.

Sex and Sexability Returns

The campaign culminates today at Daughters of St. Paul in Bandra (Mumbai) with a stand-up comedy show, Sex and Sexability. Hosted by Aditi Mittal, it features conversations around disability and sexuality. Last July, when it was first performed it saw full house; this time they've brought on board more artists with disabilities and spunk – Nidhi Goyal, a visually impaired activist, trainer, and researcher working on disability rights and gender justice; Neenu Kewlani, who works towards infrastructural access for Persons with Disabilities (PwDs); and Aakash Mehta, a singer-songwriter, scriptwriter, producer, stand-up comedian, YouTuber and law graduate with social anxiety disorder.