Why feminists can’t get dates and why men will never change

Allan Pease is one of the world’s top bestselling authors, with books like Why Men Don’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps, and Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love to his name. He also wrote what is considered a bible on body language, The Definitive Book on Body Language. But on meeting him, you realise another fact about the man: Pease is a 63-year-old-man whose antiquated views on feminism, homosexuality and female sexuality are as offensive as they are hilarious.

For Pease is hilarious — both intentionally and unintentionally. At an author interaction in Mumbai, he had the audience eating out of his hands as he cracked jokes and slung witty one-liners at baffled feminists. When I meet him, it is at a slum near Chembur, where Pease has come to see the work done by an NGO he is associated with. We are bundled into the backseat of a large car, and the air conditioner is switched on. Outside, the heat is overwhelming, and little boys incessantly tap at the glass and giggle for the next hour and a half.

With book titles like the ones mentioned above, does he get a lot of angry feminists raging against his generalisations? “First of all, ‘angry feminists’ is a tautology.” Pease grins. “And yeah, I do get some of those. Women get offended when I say that men will never change, that the man you marry at 20 will be the same at 40, just fatter and balder. Women, on the other hand, are different from decade to decade, because of hormonal changes and childbearing.”

Why feminists are lonely and sad
Pease seems to have a fundamental problem with feminists. According to him, feminists have “a higher level of testosterone than other women”. “This is why most feminists are lonely, sad people, because no man wants to be with a woman who’s like him!” he finishes triumphantly. He also points out that some women seem to confuse being a feminist with being a ‘man hater’. “My wife isn’t like that, I don’t think she would call herself a feminist, no,” says Pease, shaking his head.

Barbara Pease, his wife, is the co-author of many of his bestselling books, as well as the CEO of Pease International. “My wife is amazing, she’s around 60 but looks 28, she’s one of the richest women in Australia, and she runs this huge company and manages people. I could never do that! But,” he raises his eyebrows for emphasis, “she lets me believe I am smarter than her. And I believe it! She makes me feel like I’m the smartest man in the room, and it’s great.”

Pease goes on to crack jokes and present sitcom-like scenarios of an angry woman and repentant husband. I feel like the audience at an amateur standup night. “Why do women think they can punish a man by making him sleep on the sofa?! It can’t get any better for the man — there’s the TV, the fridge, and no talking woman. You want to punish a man, make him talk to you about
his feelings!”

He cites another example of his wife’s ability to “be aware of and handle men”. “My wife, god bless ‘er, can’t parallel park to save her life. Not her fault. Women can’t park as well as men because they lack the spatial awareness. Gay men too, who have female minds, lack it. Anyway, so we’re at this event, and she pays a boy two quid to go park her car in the freezing cold, and he goes and does it. She told me later, I paid him two quid — which is nothing — to do an unpleasant job in harsh conditions. So who’s the idiot?” Pease looks at me triumphantly. I’m not really sure, at this point, who the idiot is, so I nod.

Pease balances endearing anecdotes with just the right amount of personal confession. When he talks about his marriage, as well as his son’s marriage, he turns sombre and I am suddenly, unwillingly, completely sympathetic. I also understand why Pease is so in demand as a public speaker. “The first three years of my marriage were like a movie, like heaven,” he says tenderly. “The fourth year, it was hell and the name of the movie switched to Friday The Thirteenth. We had, what are usually called, ‘irreconcilable differences’. We worked past it.”

Pease complains vociferously about his 28-year-old son’s marriage. “He’s married a stunner, but she’s completely stupid! We keep telling him to get a divorce, but he’s thinking with his little brain, not his big one. And there’s a child as well, so what can you do?” he shrugs.

What men and women want
As an expert on body language, can Pease enlighten women on how they should appear at their most attractive and intelligent during a date? “First of all, no need to appear intelligent. Intelligence might actually be a deterrent during a date. Tone it down. If you want to appear funny, don’t crack your own jokes, laugh at his. Wear red lipstick and eye makeup. Lipstick appears as though the blood is rushing to your lips, and eye makeup looks like pupil dilation. Both are symptoms of female arousal. Wear dangly earrings. Tilt your neck while talking, it suggests that you are open and can possibly be dominated.”

I ask him about his book Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love. According to him, do women feel no desire for sex other than as a form of emotional currency? “Women want sex, but with the man they love. Men want sex with anyone, that’s the basic difference.” I can’t decide whether to defend female sexuality or male emotions, so I stick to silence. “This is why 90% of affairs are started by men, but 80% are ended by women. Women enter affairs because of a problem in their pre-existing relationships, or because of a self-esteem problem,” he explains.  

By the end of the interview, I think that nothing Pease says will surprise me anymore. But then he tells me that Germaine Greer, one of 20th century’s strongest and most significant feminist voices, is a first cousin of his. “Germaine’s a first cousin. She’s a tough old bitch,” he says ruefully. “It makes family dinners a complete joy, of course.”