Old and lonely

The image of Indian Americans is usually of a model minority — professional, educated, reasonably assimilated but also steeped in traditions. But there is another side to it too.

The typical Indian family may also include family elders — parents, in-laws — who are often misfits. Most Indians who had migrated to the US in the 1960s through 1980s had gone for a better life, leaving behind older family members.

Over the years they sent home money and made their annual visits. But many took their ageing parents to the US so that they could live in comfortable conditions; the parents came in handy as baby sitters too. It appeared like a win-win situation, but it wasn’t.

More often than not the older immigrants are alone and desolate, as reports in the US media have suggested. Would it have been different had they stayed on India? Perhaps they would have had a greater sense of community. But here too older parents are increasingly finding themselves alienated, physically or otherwise with their children and grandchildren.

The difference is that in the US the sense of loneliness is compounded by cultural factors even if the physical environment may be more comfortable. Americanised Indians do not hesitate to tell their parents, “you must look after yourself,” something the latter are not used to hearing.

We may boast that respect for elders is part of our culture and values, but things are changing. Sooner than later, the issue of the elderly will confront Indian society as well. The Japanese are already facing it and they are yet to find ways of handling it. The Americans are practical, sometimes ruthlessly so and park their older relatives in old age homes, where they can get care.

Without blaming modernity for it, it has to be admitted that social bonding has weakened in our societies. The pressures and timelines of work are such that people spend longer hours away from family and home. For the young or middle-aged couple, parents are a burden both financially and emotionally. If their care can be outsourced why not do it.

Older Indians in the US are forming informal groups where they meet to complain about their children or compare notes about cheap flights to “back home”. Adding to the piquancy of the situation, research is showing that a growing percentage of immigrant elders in the US lives below the poverty line and has mental health problems. We in India must take note — this is a problem that could hit us in a big way in the coming years.