The A to Z of the 2G scam

A is for Anil Ambani

After MD Gautam Doshi and other ADAG honchos, will it be the younger brother’s turn to go to Tihar (while Mukesh moves into Antilla)? That’s the Rs28,000-crore question various banks are asking.

B is for Black Money

Like the air it’s everywhere but you can’t see it: in real estate, in the stock market, in Mauritius, in mattresses… everywhere but in the bank, accounted for.

C is for Cabinet Reshuffle

The political equivalent of premature ejaculation (or, as the smarter set say, “Betrayal to KL”). Every year, the build-up to a cabinet reshuffle is heightened by anxiety, fear, greed, slobbering, brown-nosing and lies; yet it all ends with a fizzle.

D is for DB Realty 

Actually, the DB in DB Realty does not mean “Dynamix Balwa’s” or even “Dubai-Baramati” but Delly Belly — what you get from staying in Tihar Jail — or even D(K) Bose, as in “bhaag, minister saheb, bhaag”!

E is for Ethics

This is one of those mysterious unknowable metaphysical concepts of Indian political life.

F is for “First come, first serve”, sort of.

Our ministers take it to mean, first come and serve me, and then you’ll get to lick the crumbs from whatever slice of public cake I’m gorging on.

G is for Gandhi

What a powerful name this is, and how it has been appropriated from the Mahatma! He was a man who wanted to clean up after other Indians, while the appropriators wish to clean out other Indians.

H is for half of whatever you’re making

The basic formula for some of our heftier politicians.

I is apparently not for India

For our politicians, I stands for me, myself and I.

J is for Jayalalithaa

The woman who’s prospered most from the 2G scam (electorally, not monetarily). Amma is one person capable of taking on Sonia, because she’s so unpredictable; she’s the one person capable of giving Indian politics that ‘TV reality show’ quality. As they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings.

K is for Kanimozhi

Poor sweetie baby. Don’t cry. Remember, there’s Rs200 crore waiting when you finally get out of the north Indian jail.

L is for Loop

This refers not to a method of contraception, but to the telecom company going down in the next CBI 2G charge sheet.

M is for Maran

Neither Kalanithi nor Dayanidhi are going to sit quiet; they’ve got Sun TV. When granduncle Kalaignar said the media was capable of marring anyone’s reputation, he may have been darkly threatening Sonia.

N is for Niira Radia

Would-be airline owner and high-profile spin doctor who looks kind of like would-be IPL-team-owner Sunanda Pushkar and also kind of like would-be high-society lady Rakhi Sawant.

O is for Ostrich

An animal which buries its head in the ground when ministers in its cabinet are looting the country blind.

P is P Chidambaram

Despite his 180+ IQ (he’s likely to use words like “balderdash!”), Subramanian Swamy says this dude is going to Tihar in August for the 2G scam.

Q is for Quit: 

As in when will this goddamn corrupt government quit so that another goddamn corrupt government can take over?

R is for Raja

Ek tha raja/ ek thi rani/dono Tihar gaye/khatam kahani.

S is for Sharad Pawar

In a race against time, or actually, against Sonia. Will he get the Jagan Mohan Reddy MPs, the DMK, Mamata and Mulayam to withdraw support to the UPA-2 and replace it with a government supported (from outside) by both the Left and the BJP? Or will she send his daughter Supriya Sule to jail first? As Green Day sings, Wake me up/When September ends.

T is for Tihar Jail

An enclosed space in West Delhi which houses rapists and killers and drug-dealers, and where your freedom is snatched from you, and where there is no air-conditioning or kebabs on the menu or even Wi-fi.

U is for UPA and its sequel, son of UPA (also known as UPA-2)

It ranks truly amongst the more mindlessly frightening movies of our time, like Murder-2 or Transformers-3.

V is for Vigilance

Which is being exercised on the government not by the chief vigilance commissioner, not by the CBI, and not even by the CAG, but by TV news warlord Arnab Goswami.

W is for War

Coming soon (see S is for Sharad Pawar).

X is for Xenophilia

Some Indians particularly seem to suffer this malaise, which is a love for things foreign. Like foreign bank accounts, foreign telecom companies, foreign girlfriends, foreign vacations, foreign lifestyle, foreign education, etc. All while living it up in India.

Y is for Y S Jaganmohan Reddy

Did his father fund the Congress in the last two Lok Sabha elections? Who knows, but Jagan is the man with the MPs, the MLAs and the bucks to initiate the downfall of UPA-2.

Z is for Zeroes

Oof which there are ten in Rs17,60,00,00,00,000. This was the amount of money the government did not make from 2G spectrum allocation. Never forget that.