Beating Pakistan would be just too sexy

One can understand why Gary Kirsten is feeling like a flaccid balloon currently. What seemed a well-intentioned document for enhancing the performance of the Indian team has, well, found a salacious, one-dimensional expression in the public domain. Everybody has either mocked at it, or taken umbrage; and this from a country which gave the world Kama Sutra.

Kirsten has sought to clarify that it was his assistant Paddy Upton who drafted the document (which begs the question how it could have been cleared without the coach’s knowledge), but the only serious objection I have is where the document argues that India have failed to win consistently overseas because historically this country has never been an invader.

This is piffle. How then did the West Indians, the progeny of indentured labour, become world-beaters till their best youngsters started moving away from cricket about 25-30 years ago? And why has England, which ruled the world for several centuries, been so modest in achievement over the past half-century?

India’s performances overseas have been very modest in the past 75 years because of various factors, not the least poor fitness, dubious team spirit and too much emphasis on personal records vis-à-vis team achievements despite the high quotient of talent. These attitudes have undergone a change in the past 8-10 years and the results have been startlingly different, sex or no sex.

The sex angle in cricket (or any other sport) has been overplayed I believe. No definite pattern has been found to suggest that a hyperactive libido helps or hurts in a major way. Ian Botham’s alleged romp with Miss Barbados in 1986 sizzled across English tabloids, yet England were thrashed 0-5. Two years later, another England captain, Mike Gatting was sacked after he was discovered with a bar-maid in his room. England lost that series too.

On the other hand, Shane Warne’s sexual proclivities are the stuff of legend, and he was a key figure in Australia becoming the best team over the past 15 years. The promiscuous lifestyle of cricketers from the Caribbean is also too well known. But they were the world champions from the 70s through the 90s and have been struggling since, so it’s this way and that here too.

I doubt if it is any different for cricketers anywhere, including India. The more tangibly established determinants in sporting success are skill, temperament, grit, gumption and ambition. Matches and titles are won by players who are in prime physical condition, and mentally focused on the task at hand. In any case, the crucial issue for Dhoni and his team before today’s crucial match could not have been sex on the mind as much as beating Pakistan on the field of play.

The absence of Sehwag and Zaheer has been compounded by the sudden loss of Yuvraj. Three potential matchwinners missing queers the pitch somewhat for the Indian team, and increases the onus on seasoned campaigners Tendulkar, Gambhir, Dravid, Dhoni and Harbhajan.

Pakistan are comparatively better served with Younus Khan back in the team and a host of youngsters like Umar Akmal and Mohammed Aamer displaying marvellous talent. They remain an unpredictable, maverick side, and therefore also dangerous.

Too much has been said about the ‘overkill’ of Indo-Pak cricket, but while the war metaphor has thankfully diminished over the years, the tension and excitement of the contest remains. This could be the classic encounter everybody wants, to pump up the Champions Trophy and salvage the diminishing stature of one-day cricket. And a victory for India would help them retain the elusive No.1 ranking and also revive the sagging morale of Kirsten.

It could, of course, also set many tongues wagging about the hows and whys of their performance but I reckon Kirsten will take that scrutiny with a smile.

After all, beating Pakistan is just so sexy.