Couples strive to make their marriage ideal and eventually give up. A marriage can never be ideal no matter what, but a mindset can be.
The human mind is programmed by the law of negative bias, thanks to the human evolution thousands of years ago. Humans were an endangered species and prone to danger. In the process of protecting themselves, they were constantly on the lookout for negative stimuli. Despite having evolved from that phase by becoming a very safe and secure species, human thinking continues to be dominated by a negative stimulus. This applies to a marriage as well. People generally focus on what's missing or disturbing rather than what's alright.
People's definition of an ideal marriage is also based on what they see in other marriages and what lacks in their own. Most of my clients come to me in a comparison mode. "So and so's husband is so romantic" or "his wife is such a good homemaker and entertains guests regularly". Forming a judgment based on external perceptions is the biggest deal breaker. What constitutes a marriage is much more than what appears at the superficial level.
A couple may be entertaining guests to avoid any internal conflicts at home. Being trapped in a dull marriage, entertaining guests could be their getaway. Someone's spouse may appear to be romantic, but one can never tell if he/she is romantic when alone with their partner. Very rarely would a picture being depicted and the reality that exists are in sync with each other. A couple will only portray as much as they want to – nothing more or nothing less.
On one of the recent social gatherings, I saw a woman constantly nudging her cousin to validate all the good about her brother in law. "C'mon, jiju is so sweet and cool. He can never get angry and is never demanding". She went on and on. Finally, her cousin had to snub her by asking her to keep her compliments to herself. She stated very bluntly that since she wasn't married to him, she didn't know who he really was.
Stop going by what you see in other marriages and start seeing the good in your own marriage. Valuing even a single quality will be worth being in it. Seal your bond with the real and not ideal.
Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com
