A very common problem plaguing relationships today is one of the partners’ friendship with a friend from a different gender. Who is at fault? The husband/wife who has a friend? The spouse insecure by the friendship? The friend? Who would you blame?
It is very natural to make friends with people from the opposite sex. And trying to stop one’s partner from befriending someone just because he/she belongs to a different gender is unreasonable. One should have the right mix of friends – from the same or different gender to many. It never hurts to have many friends. The problem arises when there is this ‘one’ friend who gets all the attention. And this friend also loves to show all the intimacy in the presence of their friend’s partner. Isn’t the partner justified in feeling jealous?
If a partner shows resentment towards every single friend made by the spouse with the opposite gender, there is an underlying problem. He/she has inherent tendencies of jealousy and inadequacy. Certainly not worth encouraging. I would advise such people to refrain from giving in every time their partner smells a rat especially when there isn’t one. But, one can always tell the difference between partners who always throw a tantrum when they see their spouse interacting/communicating with a person(s) from a different sexual category and a partner who is unhappy and justifiably so, with a ‘particular’ friendship. Its is the moral duty of every husband/wife to put his/her partner at ease about the friendship. If the spouse is taken into confidence, involved in the friendship, I don’t see the problem escalating. If the spouse is made the priority and the same is conveyed to the ‘friend’, the friendship can go a long way and no partner would ever mind such a friendship.
Some people want to eat the cake and have it too. They want this super close friendship and feel justified in hiding it from their spouse just because the spouse doesn’t approve of it. Beats all logic. Why marry and befriend someone who is not your spouse at the cost of the marriage? Have friends but don’t let them monopolise you or your marriage. Setting priorities right is the key to a successful marriage. Are you using the right key for there can never be room for three? Agree with this decree?
Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com
