A year later: Riteish Deshmukh finally opens up about his dad Vilasrao Deshmukh

I have always wondered what’s worse. A parent who has to see a child’s death or a child (of any age) who loses a parent. The answer is obvious, you’d say. That no one should have to grow up without a parent(s). Because adults are better equipped to deal with a loss and can take care of themselves. But sometimes I think it’s worse to lose a parent.

A child without a parent, doesn’t know any better. An adult has to learn to live without someone who has been around from the day he/she first opened his/her eyes in this world. No matter how old you are, you are a child as long as your parents are around. 

You could be in your 40s, you can be a world leader or a superstar... No matter how famous or successful you are, your first identity is that of someone’s son or daughter. Recently, Shah Rukh Khan was reciting an incident where he was in conversation with a fellow actor who kept saying ‘mummy said that and papa said that’, and SRK actually felt strangely envious of him and also sad because he didn’t have to call mummy-papa anymore.

He had tears in his eyes. A few years ago, an actor who has worked with Riteish Deshmukh in many films, was relating how no matter which part of the world he was in, or how busy he was, he would call his dad everyday and tell him everything about his day. When his dad Vilasrao Deshmukh passed away last year (August 14), Riteish withdrew into a shell. Not one to make a public display of his feelings, his grief showed in the way he vanished from the social scene, the display picture on his phone (always a photo of/with his father) and he refrained from being active even on social network. 

I tried to get him to talk about his dad many times in the last 12 months but he always said he wasn’t ready. Until now. Even as he speaks, I notice the sadness in his eyes, the way in which he struggles to keep his voice from quivering, and his tears incheck. I didn’t need to push or prod him. He just talked. There were many pauses and moments of silence but he gets it all out. The words just pour out of him. But he’s not over it yet. And like he says, he never will be.

But his father lives on... in his families’ memory, in his cellphone which is still active, and the projects he kicked off (the Mumbai Metro).  Read on...  

How are you coping with the loss?
I don’t know how to answer that. It’s an irreparable loss. You can’t compare it to anything. It’s really strange that suddenly a person is not there in your life and then you realise — I won’t say value because as a child you always value your parents — how life will never be the same again. There is a huge void. Sometimes I still feel he is there.

Everyday I meet people who tell me things he did for them, experiences they shared with him... so we are reliving him through the experiences of people. I am fortunate that in his own way he has left a legacy for me to not miss him. I don’t know how to explain it but yet we miss him... even though he is everywhere.

You walk into a restaurant, and you bump into someone who talks about him... you walk on the street and you see his name somewhere...  you go to any town in Maharashtra, people come and tell you the facilities he made possible and places that he inaugurated.

You shut yourself out after you lost your dad.
You actually shut yourself out... but within our home that wasn’t the case. We all three brothers even though we are all married... inherently the first reaction is too strong for the others.

I think we all tried to find a balance to deal with it... So many times it feels like it is not true. You fight it. And then... they say time is a healer but truly I think we understand how strong we are and the people around us are... You think you are stronger than the other person and they really surprise you.

Who are you talking about?
My mother. We actually wanted to be strong for her and she was strong for us. For a woman to be like that you just feel wow. It is incredible... especially a wife, a mother... so that way she has been incredible...Whether it is me, my brothers and my mother... we all were strong for each other. You avoid breaking down  to ensure that the other person doesn’t feel weak.

My eldest brother has been the strongest. I now understand what people mean when they say you suddenly grow up. Till that time, you always feel sheltered... at the back of your mind no matter how old you are, every child feels, it will all be fine because he is there. But you never know at what moment the tears will appear... even if it is a dream...

Does that still happen?
It will happen for life... and I am glad that that kind of feeling still arises... (pauses). You know, every day, since that day, I have had dreams about him. In  a strange way, after the first few times it happens, you try to fight it. It unsettles you.

You get disoriented and  wonder if it is real or a dream. Then you wake up and then you try to figure out if he is there, what is the date... Then you realise that it’s not real and you remember what has happened. It is very strange and then in a weird way — I don’t know if anyone will understand it — you begin to look forward to the dreams.

What are the dreams like?
Everyday things... most days I don’t even remember the details. I just see him there, see him smile and feel his presence. I realised that there was no point in fighting it. You try and make peace with it.

A loss is a loss, no matter what profession a father was in or what he did for his son.  He could have been a farmer, a businessman, biggest superstar, industrialist, everyone feels the same loss. But because of the profession he was in, wherever you go people come to you and talk about him. I was in school and college when he was in politics... then when he was the chief minister I was abroad, I was acting... so we have not seen things he has done... Like the Mumbai Metro... it was his dream that this city have a Metro.

He was the one who inaugurated it so when it comes to completion, I will be really happy because he initiated it. For me it will always mean he was there. Like for film actors, their work (films) is makes them immortal? For all of us it is his work... so many people come and tell us about projects he made possible, they come and say he gave us permission to do this...

The other day I was at the airport and one guy asked me, ‘aap Rajkot gaye gain kya? When I said no, he said I must visit because my dad has built a temple there. Those are things we didn’t know and we keep hearing... In a way he made sure that we don’t miss him as much.

He touched so many lives
You know, he has. And irrespective of how people are perceived and how leaders are perceived, the bottom line is, at the grassroot level, things are different. You know he was known to pick up his phones. The stories that people tell us... I remember this one story when he was the CM and someone called him and said this building has caught fire.

He called the  collector and told him. He replied, “No sir, we don’t have any information about it.” So dad said, “I have the information, you check.” And when he reached there, it turned out to be true.

He answered every call?
Yes. Everyone had his number. He never changed it. I remember we used to tell him, people constantly call you, have another private number just for yourself, because you need to switch off. But he never changed it. He never saw who was calling. If his phone rang, he answered it. And that was known to everyone.

After he went away, there were articles written about how he was always available on the phone. So I wondered what to do with his number. I thought a lot about it. Because people would still call and messages would still come on his phone... I didn’t want it to be not available, so I bought his speeches and now if you call his number you can hear his voice. He was known for his oratory skills, so it seemed like a good idea.

Would I be wrong in saying that you were closest to your dad?
Hmmm... all three of us were close to him..

Is it true that you would call him everyday and tell him about your day?
When I was in New York for a year, my mom and dad would call everyday. They’d ask, ‘What’s happening, what are you doing, how is it going...” It wasn’t just me. He would call each one of us. I remember from the time we were in school even junior KG, whenever he would come home after a trip,  he would get each of us a chocolate. He did that every time he travelled. Right up to the time he was a CM and we were in our late 20s... He used to call us and hand each of us a chocolate. There would be other boxes and goodies, but he always had those three chocolates for us in his pocket whenever he came back from out of town... that’s something we all remember.

What are the things you’ve learnt from him?
I really don’t know....I would say probably the way I am... And the bunch of good things that I do... and the bad (and I believe those are not the ones my father taught me).

What are the bad things that you do?
I don’t know... I am sure someone must be hating me... somewhere.
 
Are you three brothers alike?
Little bit different but in terms of trying to get it right… we have that in common. And that came from him. He was the one person that we all worshipped for the way he was. We have all come from a place from where we were praying for him to the point where today I pray to him. All the other Gods probably come after him.

They are immaterial and even if they are not there. It doesn’t matter... Ganesh, Shiva whoever other gods are there but he probably comes first... and he does. In the morning when I get up, I touch his photograph and then other Gods... Even if I don’t go to a God to pray, it’s still okay.

It is said that a father’s death makes a son much more responsible... Have you changed in some way?
I think it really shakes you up. You suddenly grow up. At whatever age. You could be 16 or in your 30s..because that umbrella of protection that has always been there on your head is suddenly gone... and things suddenly change.

Was it sudden or did you know it was coming?
It was sudden.

Isn’t that worse?
I don’t know. Either you know about it  or it is sudden, I think it is the same... suppose you know a few months before or three days before... time is immaterial..

But if you know, you could spend more time with him etc...
Sometimes when it is sudden, you wish there was more time... and the time you have, you would always be thinking of what is coming in the future.

Who has been your greatest support in this time? Someone you could talk to...
Genelia. Not because I am married to her. That is irrespective but eventually she is my strength, my support. To have someone who understands when you like to talk, and when you don’t, is incredible. I don’t like to talk. I don’t talk. So even for her to sit next to me and share that silence was helpful. I value the silences more than the chats.

Because when you are not talking to someone else, you are talking to yourself and it is really a very difficult conversation to have..

True... even the comforting words sound hollow and like a cliche.
(Pauses) You know when he passed away there were ten lakh people who came to pay their respects... and he was not even a CM at that time. But actually it was because of  his lifetime’s work. At the time you are grieving so much you don’t realise... it doesn’t register till much later...

So many people come and say things.. I am not talking about colleagues and other leaders.. for them it doesn’t really matter... they move on... people he has worked with. I am talking about lives that he has touched, people who have travelled so long just to be there... and through that you realise what kind of man he was... there was so much of crowd... that too within six hours of the announcement...

Is there anything you are planning to do to mark his first death anniversary?
Yes, we will be going to Latur, be there, meet people... We will always carry on his legacy in terms of his thoughts, what he wanted to do... in our own way we will try our best.

And my brother Amit, who is obviously carrying on his legacy having followed him into his political career... He is an incredibly strong person and he will take it ahead...

Did your dad have aspirations of a political career for his sons?
No never. It is so strange... not once did he ask any of us to join politics. Or say that you should do this. The only thing that he wanted, that was his wish, and my mother took care of it, is our education.

He was a triple degree holder. And he would say, complete your education, and do whatever you want. I am an architect but I wanted to do films, and he said: Go ahead and try... my brother pursued a chemical education and he decided to follow in dad’s footsteps and he joined politics. That is the kind of freedom he gave us to make our individual choices.

Please continue...
I remember when I had just started acting, I used to get bad reviews (not that I don’t get them now...) It’s okay someone not liking the way I act... but at that point I didn’t understand... one of the critics was a little too personal. It was not about films, it was about me. One review after another and then there was a spate of articles in the paper that were really personal and uncalled for. And I started getting angry.

I decided that the next time I meet him, I will ask him. My dad realised something was troubling me and asked me what happened (he was the chief minister at that time). After hearing me out, he said, ‘why are you bothered about it’. He told me, ‘what you have to do is do your job well. and concentrate on that. People have the right to write about you. Some of the things written might be wrong, it’s okay.

you don’t react to that’. he added, ‘next time you meet him, smile and say hello. How are you doing, good to see you, and walk away. Be nice to him.’ Next time I met him, I did exactly that. What it teaches you is whatever opinion people may have of you don’t fight it. Try to deal with it or explain yourself and win that person over. And if it doesn’t happen, then at least you tried. Move on.

Do you see yourself getting into politics someday?
Ah! This is a question I have been asked many a times... And after my dad passed away, people ask me that more often... my answer is: I am born in a family that has been a part of the Congress. But I am an actor right now, and this is what I am doing.

I have always said that I have enjoyed politics. Not that I am looking for a career in politics. But if I am ever needed in my own capacity, to do any kind of work for the party, I am available to them. I am ready for that, this is my home... Actively I cannot participate...but I don’t know  what is in store for me in the future...