Forget Aamir Khan, here are 8 perfect brand ambassadors for Incredible India

So Mr Perfectionist Aamir ‘My wife wants to leave India’ Khan will no longer be part of the Incredible India campaign and while the government says it didn’t remove Aamir because of his comments on ‘intolerance’ (and it didn’t, their contract with McCann-Ericsson is over), one is inclined to believe that trashing 'Brand India' probably didn't help.

Come on, seriously. which brand will retain its mascot after they’ve trashed it in public? Can you see a fairness cream brand ambassador being retained after he says: "Fairness creams are wrong. They're doused in mercury and try to divide society based on skin pigmentation. We should not create the illusion that being a few tones lighter can make improve your marital or occupational prospects".

While, noises from the tourism ministry suggest that Amitabh Bachchan is their first choice, others in the mix are Akshay Kumar, Deepika Padukone and Priyanka Chopra. But if you want to pick someone who really represents India, these are the best options:

Narendra Modi

Do we really need a mascot when we have this man traversing the globe, regaling the Indian diaspora across the world with tales of ‘Acche Din’, while his coterie of world-leader BFFs egg the crowd on? From Madison Square Garden to Facebook headquarters to Pakistan, NaMo has been there, done that, sold the t-shirt and taken a selfie! Seriously, who needs an ambassador when he’s around? As John Oliver noted, Modi's Madison Square appearance has become the gold standard for world leaders across the globe. 

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Rahul Gandhi

Before you decide to proceed to the comments section to call me colourful names, hear me out. For the last 40 years, this half-Italian has been trying to convince us that not only is he Indian, but that he holds the keys to helping the nation progress, that we should elect him despite everything. He has done that despite the scams, the corruption, the false nods to secularism, the Emergency by his grandmother and a host of other nasty events that would make greater men hide and stay away from public glare for all eternity.

The only logical explanation for this is that he must have deceptive powers of illusion and mind-control, which he exerts over members of India's Grand Old Party who continue to clamour for his rise to the top post in Congress, despite the fact that his campaigning strategies led to one of the worst election defeats in recent history. Despite all this, there are so many sane individuals who are convinced that he's the next Prime Minister. Let’s use his powers for a good cause once he comes back from Europe.

Anupam Kher

Since writers started returning awards protesting the rise of intolerance in the nation, this man has stood his ground to tell anyone who would listen that India is totally a tolerant nation. His voice has been so strong that many have already started calling him PM Kher. He even took out a March for Tolerance despite many members of his own film fraternity supporting the ‘intolerance brigade’. Mr Kher is the brand ambassador India needs and deserves.

Shashi Tharoor

Frankly, Monsieur Tharoor is being wasted in Congress where he gets pulled up from time to time for making logical statements that are unbecoming of a politician from a party that demands subservience to one family above anything else. His talents—which include sounding more British than the British ever did—would be far more beneficial in attracting tourists to our nation. I mean he went to the home of British elitism—Oxford—and convinced those lads that colonialism was a bad thing. He was so eloquent that even the British were like "Saala, itna angrezi kaise bolta hai?" Tharoor will also help improve the image of the much-maligned Indian men who India’s Daughter painted as rapists and perverts waiting to molest women on a dark night.

AIB

I am not throwing these guys into the mix just to spite Aamir, who found their path-breaking roast comedy violent. The AIB boys have gone from cool nerds making jokes in dark bars to YouTubers making jokes online to mainstream TV hotshots making jokes on the idiot box. In many ways, these four lads represent the new India— outrageous, urbane, funny, prepared to apologise to the offended and willing to tone down their content if they have to go mainstream!

Arnab Goswami

While there’s an unwritten rule amongst media houses to pretend that other media houses simply don't exist  (unless we’re beating them at TRPs or pageviews or circulation figures), this list just isn’t complete without our nation’s Chief Offended Officer – Arnab Goswami. Every night Mr Goswami makes it a point to the become the ‘voice’ of the nation as he channels the decibel level of every single citizen to verbally bludgeon politicians for the things he deems wrong. To paraphrase Mr Goswami, sir, are you ready for this challenge— the nation wants to know?

Salman Khan

Last but not least, the UPA might have chosen the wrong Khan for the job. While Aamir and Shah Rukh ‘WTF was Dilwale’ Khan have needlessly stoked controversy by speaking about ‘rising intolerance’, Salman has stayed clear of any controversies, even though he does let it rip on Twitter from time to time, if you were to exclude events that occurred pre 2003. But those vowel-less excursions are few and far between, and his public popularity is without doubt. 

Sunny Leone

And finally no list about India is complete without including probably the most-searched Indian on the planet— Sunny Leone. Again, for the fourth year in a row, she was the the “Most Googled Indian”. This in a year when Virat Kohli became the new Indian cricket captain and Salman Khan was acquitted in the 2002-hit-and-run case. It was the same story last year when PM Narendra Modi’s BJP won a historic mandat. But it seems that nothing happening in the real world can displace Sunny Leone from the top, and she's someone who actually left Canada to come live in India. She had this to say about the 'intolerance debate': "I think the word (intolerance) is interesting to be used. As far as myself goes, I love India and it is a great place to be. Had it not been safe, I wouldn't have been here." Make her the brand ambassador already! 

If you hadn't guessed yet, this article is satirical.