Sanskari Censor Board Chief: 9 times Pahlaj Nihalani saved 'Indian culture'

As Indians, we should all be grateful to CBFC Chief Pahlaj Nihalani’s perseverance to preserve ‘Indian values’ and snip anything that he thinks is unpalatable to genial Indian sensibilities. From the length of James Bond’s kisses to anything that can be remotely perceived to be unpalatable to His Majesty, Nihalani has been busy in restoring India's sanskari reel values. He has protected us from James Bond's length kisses, muted the word 'lesbian' in a normal scene, banned a documentary which he perceived to be critical of his action hero and has in general been the CBFC chief, we need and deserve. Here are 9 unsanskari things Pahlaj Nihalani saved us from:

Sanskari Save 1: From Mr James Bond’s disgustingly long kisses

Her Majesty’s most dangerous weapon might have found mention in PM Narendra Modi’s (AKA Pahlaj Nihalani’s ‘Action Hero) speech at Wembley but that didn’t save him from the Sanskari snip. A source told dna saying: “Both of Daniel Craig’s kisses with his co-stars have been reduced by 50 per cent. The censor board had nothing against James Bond kissing. But the length of the kisses were found to be unnecessarily excessive. We heard that Ranbir Kapoor’s kissing scenes in Tamasha has also been reduced by half. We wonder how the Censor Board decides how much kissing is enough.”

This led to mass hysteria, as desi Twitterati trended the hash tag #SanskariBond which re-imagined James Bond in a desi avatar. (Read: Twitter mocks Pahlaj Nihalani for cutting James Bond’s kisses)

Sanskari Save 2: From disgusting cuss words

In February, a list of words purportedly banned by the CBFC made its way into public domain, a list which strangely included the word 'Bombay'. This controversy came early in Nihalani’s tenure after Leela Samson resigned and CBFC member Ashoke Pandit claimed that other board members weren’t consulted about the list. Nihalani defended the list saying he hadn’t made up the words but was given to him by his office.

He told a TV channel: “I have not made up these words. The list was given to me by my office and it was circulated among us. It was not for the media. It was not to be made public. It was given to them to follow the guidelines. I am just following the guidelines. I am not bringing anything on my own. If the industry people have a problem, they should go to the ministry and get their approval. I will follow it.” Thankfully, the list was later put on hold.

Sanskari Save 3: From unnatural passions

Another movie which never saw the light of the day (and which now proudly wears the banned in India tag like Leslee Udwin’s India’s Daughter) is Unfreedom a movie which dealt with homosexuality and religious fundamentalism.  One of the plots involved the story of a young girl who resists a forced arranged marriage to unite with her lesbian partner, while a parallel story revolved around a liberal Muslim kidnapped by a terrorist.

The director, Raj Amit Kumar was quoted saying by a leading daily: "They plainly told me that after watching the film, Hindu and Muslims will start fighting and will ignite unnatural passions. I was aghast as my film is not provocative."

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Sanskari Save 4: From hearing jokes about Bhai and Amma

It’s not just the new guns who are unhappy with the regime change at the CBFC. Another one to face the wrath is versatile director Kundan Shah who’s made classics like Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro and Kabhi Haan, Kabhi Naa. His film titled P Se PM Tak, which is about a prostitute who became the Prime Minister ran into trouble for cracking jokes about Salman Khan, J Jayalalithaa and imprisoned Sahara Chief Subroto Roy.  

Despite the fact that he counts both Pahlaj Nihalani and Ashoke Pandit among his friends, he was asked to make the changes. He was quoted saying by a leading daily: “I was asked to remove the names of all popular figures like Salman Khan, Jayalalithaa and Subrata Roy even if they were not being used in a degrading context.”

He claimed that the CBFC were too afraid to rub anyone the wrong way.  He added: “Who are they so afraid of? I was told that a celebrity, religious group or political party could sue me as well as raise a finger at the Censors. And I had to keep going back and forth with my film in order to salvage it.”

Sanskari Save 5: Young filmmakers' souls which would have been corrupted by abusive language 

When he’s not making CGI-fests that would gladden the heart of George Lucas (though we don’t see Narendra Modi being too pleased), he likes to lecture young filmmakers on the art of making ‘clean’ pictures. In an audio clip procured by The Hindu, Nihalani can be heard telling them he couldn’t relax the list of cuss words.

He is heard saying that he can’t break the rules, and that profanity existed in films before his tenure because filmmakers bribed their way to get clearance.Claiming that a creative person should know how to get past abuses, he also claims that films with bad languages don’t do well. He’s even heard offering dubbing solutions to young filmmakers, telling them that they can replace  g**** with mirchi and mother**** with mai ka laal!

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Sanskari Save 6: From hearing the word ‘lesbian’

Even so-called family films aren’t exempt from censoring as the movie Dum Laga Ke Haisha had the word ‘lesbian’ muted by the CBFC. Filmmaker Sharat Katariya told NDTV that the CBFC thought that the word ‘lesbian’ being said by a young kid (Sandhya’s younger brother) in the movie is inappropriate and therefore they decided to mute it, despite not being a cuss word.

Here are some other words in the movie which were changed by filmmakers:

Proud of the censor board. In Dum laga ke haisha they muted the word "Lesbian" and replaced Haramkhor with Kathor. pic.twitter.com/I2PjV4ZInU

— Scotchy (@scotchism) March 3, 2015

Came to know through news papers & If it's true then muting"Lesbian"in a film is shameful.I condemn it.#freedomofexpression

— Ashoke Pandit (@ashokepandit) March 3, 2015

Sanskari Save 7: From the travesty of Christian Grey and western BDSM

Given the board’s track record, it was no surprise that the CBFC outright refused to release Fifty Shades of Grey because who needs new-fangled stuff like BDSM when maltreating women is historically been part of our patriarchal culture. The CBFC’s Shravan Kumar declined to tell Reuters why they hadn’t accepted even a watered-down version of the film adaptation. The movie was also banned in nations like Malaysia, Indonesia, UAE and Kenya and Universal Pictures didn’t even try releasing it in China, so we're in great company. 

Of course, everyone watched it online where Jamie Dornan’s flaccid performance led everyone to thank the CBFC for not releasing the movie. Interestingly, France showed their chilled out aside when they gave it a +12 rating. Their classification president, Jean-Francois Mary actually said that it "isn't a film that...can shock a lot of people."

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Sanskari Save 8: From dominant women who take charge

If James Bond and Salman Khan’s PRDP couldn’t escape the sanskari cuts, what chance did a film that was about female bonding and combating patriarchal tyranny have? The CBFC claimed the movie Angry Young Goddesses was insulting to ‘Hindu goddesses’. A source told dna: “Major portions of the film have been hacked off by the Examining Committee. The biggest sufferer is actress Tannishtha Chatterjee, whose role has been drastically reduced.”  Tannishtha Chatterjee confirmed that her role had been chopped to the point that her role was cut to ‘nothing’. She said: “The film that fetched me so much acclaim abroad and the film that has been cut by the Censor are two different entities. Now, my role is almost nothing.” (Read: Angry Indian Goddesses gagged by CBFC)

Sanskari Save 9: From documentaries that might be critical about his action hero 

Given that he has made the song Har Har Modi, Ghar Ghar Modi and the CGI-fest full of ‘wonders of the world’, it was no surprise that the CBFC chief banned a documentary which could be perceived as anti-Modi. A documentary titled Battle for Banaras which covered the election battle between Narendra Modi and Arvind Kejriwal in the Lok Sabha Elections 2014. Kamal Swaroop’s Battle for Banaras was denied a censor certificate both the exam committee and review committee, and was told that ‘no cuts could justify a film like this’. 

While Pahlaj Niahalani didn’t respond to calls, fellow board member Nandini Sardesai told dna: “"This is now increasingly becoming a set pattern. Anything seen as remotely critical of the powers-that-be is immediately axed. This is wrong. I think filmmakers should just simply bypass the review committee and head straight to the tribunal every time this happens. That would probably send a message to the I&B ministry about the deep rot that has set in here.”

Thank you Pahlaj Nihalaniji. You are the best: