Ghost ghost na raha

Banaras - A Mystic Love Story

Cast: Urmila Matondkar, Ashmit Patel, Naseeruddin Shah
Direction: Pankuj Parashar
Rating: **

Yoo hoo, meet the Ghost Guru. Reportedly he died hundreds of years ago. Yet he’s remembered at an ashram, dhaniyavaad to his framed colour photograph. Hello, were cameras invented, as the dialogue puts it, “saikdon saal” ago?

Egads, anything is possible in Pankuj Parashar’s Banaras in which love, alas, means having to say you’re very, very sorry.

Truly, the screenplay co-conceived by the seasoned Javed Siddiqi and producer LC Sharma stretches your credibility till you feel you’re hallucinating. Worse, when the aforecited bhoot guru (dear ole Naseeruddin Shah) rides a horse a la Zorro, you’re suffused with super sorrow.

Why, oh why, can’t you comprehend this conundrum? Okay, so you try to configure. Yeah, so Ghost Zorro discovers an abandoned babe on the Varanasi ghats. Babe grows up into a long-haired classical singer (Ashmit Patel, earnest) who flips over the world’s wealthiest gal (Urmila Matondkar).

Aaha re gaama paa, it seems Boy Classical is unaware of the fact that the gal’s parents (Raj Babbar-Dimple Kapadia) don’t believe in the credo of caste-’n’-creed-no-cocktail-bar. Follow jeers, no cheers.

Unfazed, the unmade-for-each-other couple drink from each other’s eyes – till the bar is closed. Now, Classical is murdered (by the film’s editor?). Stupefied, Miss Wealthy becomes a spiritual Ma in Mauritius. As for Ghost Zorro, he drops in occasionally for a blood pressure check-up. Gee! 

Moanwhile, the caste-conscious parents shed enough tears to fill up the Ganges. Not to forget, the sob-plot about a lachrymose NRI psychiatrist (Akash Khurana, looking really purana) whose collapsing lungs are magically cured by a vision of the bhoot-a-licious.

To be fair, the screenplay did have some potential to debate spiritual matters but  that’s squandered in favour of mega-mind googlies. About the only character you can relate to is the high-caste girl torn between love and orthodoxy.

Gratifyingly, Urmila Matondkar tackles the difficult role with a high degree of maturity and empathy. Her unstinted conviction keeps you watching. So do the magnificent Varanasi locations ably lensed by cinematographer Nirav Shah.

Back on the downside, Himesh Reshammiya’s music is as unexciting as a violin without strings. Raj Babbar tosses out a frighteningly overcooked performance. Unintentionally, Naseeruddin Shah is a giggle fiesta.

Dolled up in  zari saris, Dimple Kapadia is unexpectedly dull and disinterested – which might well be your reaction to this khaike mumbo jumbo Banaraswalla.

Knot for you

Shaadi se Pehle

Cast: Akshaye Khanna, Ayesha Takia, Mallika Sherawat (heaven help)
Direction: Satish Kaushik
Rating: *1/2

Get this: SSP is about Akshaye Khanna’s reshmi kabab wig, a papaya- ‘n’-peach-hued wardrobe, fire engine-red shoes and his belief that he just has a year to live, so he must convince his tomato-like fiancee that he’s a cad. Bad.

Then SSP is about the tomato girl (Ayesha Takia) who, whenever she’s upset (always), breaks into a disco-frisko with Aftab Shivdasani. Neither are hot movers. Sad.

It’s also about Mallika Sherawat who’s quite be-Chan to hook a hubby while ingesting Poonacoladas at Cola Lumpur beach.

And she’s trailed by a gangsta brother (Suniel Shetty still learning to act) who calls himself Anna, not to be confused with the fashionista. Cool?

At times, it’s about Rajpal Yadav who has this talent to shout till you get gout. Ouch.

And it’s a Sanjay Chhel remuddle of Send Me No Flowers (adapted already for the Amol Palekar flick Meri Biwi ki Shaadi) and Mickey Blue Eyes.

Chhel’s dialogue is obsessed with “topless” as if he were advocating the setting up of a Nanga Nangi colony (Navalkarji are you listening?).

And it’s a Subhash Ghai production directed by Satish Kaushik which is supposed to be a comedy. Turns out it’s a tragedy because you’ll end up mourning the loss of your ticket money. Heartfelt condolences are in order.

God bolay?

Saawan Kumar Tak

Cast: Don’t even ask
Direction: Saawan – The Love Season
Rating: None

This has been an exceptionally gruelling week, what with Saawan’s Saawan Kumar Tak (ooops, okay, okay, mishtake ho gaya) displaying a pair of woody woodpeckers (Kapil Jhaveri-Saloni Aswani) who fall in love and all that in Cape Town. Frown.

Back in Mumbai, Lady Woody meets a heavily bewigged Salman Khan whose bellydancer friend had passed away in Mukesh Mills-like ruins.

Perhaps she had danced till she popped. Anyway now Wiggy talks to God, represented by some black stars and lightning, and berates him for giving him “lollipops.” No understando.

Next: Wiggy predicts Lady Woody will die on Friday. Brrr, she’s understandably upset. Rakesh Ranjan’s sound attacks your ear dholaks, the direction has to be seen to be disbelieved and the sets are strictly tacky.

Something extremely bizarre happens in the finale – and it’s not just you tearing your hair and requesting God to please, please, please protect  Salman and you from having to endure such loony lollipops ever again. Amen.

Rating:
Outstanding:*****
Very Good: ****
Good: ***
Average  **
Poor: *