'Calendar Girls' review: Madhur Bhandarkar's formula is way past its expiry date

Film: Calendar Girls
Director: Madhur Bhandarkar
Cast: Akanksha Puri, Avani Modi, Kyra Dutt, Ruhi Singh, Satarupa Pyne, Suhel Seth, Rohit Roy, Suchitra Pillai
Rating: *

What it's about: There's a scene in Calendar Girls where Madhur Bhandarkar (playing himself) is on the phone explaining to someone that he's not making a controversial film on any scam. The scene fails miserably to evoke humour at the director whose formulas have passed their expiry date and are toxic for anyone who attempts to consume them. In fact, the biggest parody on Bhandarkar is the film itself. Calendar Girls is a two-and-half-hour long roast of the director, by the director, for his so-called audience. Taking off on Vijay Mallaya's annual calendar shoot, the film introduces us to five girls from different parts of the country (and one from Pakistan) who want to become the Priyanka Chopra and the Deepika Padukone of their generation. Name dropping happens a lot in this film, and most of those moments are awkward and embarrassing. Madhur checks off every possible trope there is- the gay designer, the cheating husband, potshots at the media, sexual objectification of women, the supposed 'inside' jokes of the industry, with appearances from his regular favourites - Rohit Roy (photographer), Suhel Seth (playing Mallya) and Suchitra Pillai (socialite) playing caricatures of themselves. After being thrown in the limelight and becoming Calendar Girls, these five individuals go through their own ordeals (prostitution, cricket scam, a failed marriage, wannabe starlet, TV news anchor) as a melancholic track plays in the background reminding us that we need to empathise with their situation. Neither funny, nor bitchy, the writing seems stuck in a loop that reminds us of a bad 90's show and even those were better!. 

What's hot: The only track that worked for me was the one between the aspiring Bollywood actress and her secretary played by the brilliant  Atul Parchure. Those scenes perhaps came close to the style that Madhur made his own. Tongue in cheek, witty, taking open digs at an industry obsessed with timelines on social media. If only the director had retained more of that and understood what's relevant in today's age, the film would have had a better narrative. 

What's not: Calendar Girls suffers from the been-there-seen-that syndrome. It doesn't just last for a few scenes, but drags its dead feet till the very end. Flashes of Fashion, Page 3 and Heroine go through your mind as you watch similar scenes, background music and even camera set up, unfold on the big screen. Unfortunately, they serve as a bleak reminder of moments where the director was in his true element. The narrative and sequence of events is neither shocking nor engaging. In 2015, a bunch of women losing their marbles after entering the glamour world is hardly shocking. While Fashion and Heroine borrowed moments from the real world and became talking points, in Calendar Girls the resemblance is minimal. The cast looks extremely banal and neither of the girls shine or leave a lasting impression. In fact, after a certain point everyone just looks and talks the same. Bhandarkar's films always had good music, Calendar Girls doesn't have one track that works for its theme. Make up and styling is jarring and looks patchy in several places. Also, Madhur playing himself as a super successful director not only seems cocky but the whole effort comes across as an unintentionally hilarious gag!

What to do: Calendar Girls is Madhur Bhandarkar's weakest attempt at trying to revisit his old formula and create something interesting. Stay away.