Film Review: Watch 'Khamoshiyan' if you're a glutton for punishment

Film: Khamoshiyan
Director: Karan Darra
Cast: Ali Fazal, Gurmeet Choudhary, Sapna Pabbi
Rating: *1/2

What's it about: 

Kabir is a novelist (aren't they all these days) in search of inspiration for his next tome. Book just failed and he's already keen on going for number two. Girlfriend just dumped him. So he heads to Kashmir (or Cape Town, because they're like twin cities, right?). Lands up somehow at a cremation ground where red ribbons are tied to a white picket fence. Strikes up conversation with well-dressed random stranger who gives him bull about umeed and somesuch. Tie ribbon on fence for wish-fulfilment, he suggests. Kabir passes. Casually walks into empty mansion where lady of the manor, Meera doesn't even take down his details or ask for a deposit (can we have the address to this place?). Sooner rather than later, Kabir has a wet dream about making out with Meera. This, after he has had his fill of food and staring at her cleavage (not making this up). They get cosy soon enough, banish their tanhaiyan, while he fathoms her gehraiyan, she given in to his manmaniyan, and he tries to understand the spooky shor behind her khamoshiyan. YAWN! 
Then things get interesting. Meera's unseen invalid of a husband Jaideep makes his appearance (out of the paintings and onto the staircase, dagger in heart. In true dumbass fashion, Kabir plucks out the knife from body. Only no blood. Means he's been dead kaafi time se. Did Meera kill him? What secrets is she hiding? Why? Do you care at this point?

What's hot: 

The film's cinematographer. Well, can't say he was high on technique, but yeah, he was competent, so that's one thing the producers had not to worry about. The true star of this film, however, is the location scout. Well, Cape Town looks straight out of a postcard. So thank you for that. The VFX... well, let's just say Khamoshiyan didn't feel like a Ramsay Bros film, by any stretch of imagination. So yeah...

What's not: 

Serious actor Ali Fazal's Kabir is reduced to boob-staring, making horror movie bloopers, staring at asses. Well, there you have it, writers are guilty of it, too! Could explain why Vikram Bhatt has written erotica-lite, horror-lite and sold it us as something that's genuinely both. Gurmeet is cold. Literally. He's so cold, he's a corpse. And when flashbacks happen, he's even more icy that that sparkly Twilight guy. But guys, nothing even comes close to Ms Pabbi. She can act. Or maybe her body moves in mysterious ways. Go figure! I don't think I can get that dialogue delivery of hers out of my head. Man, what consistency! I thought first, that's how ghosts speak, then that's how she speaks, then maybe, that they couldn't care less with training her in intonation. Don't think anyone gets more action scenes (no puns intended) than her. 
Well, last I checked there are no trains to Jammu (Tawi) from Dadar. Bandra, maybe. Also, if a hotel is empty (hot yet wooden mansion-owner/housekeeper/cook notwithstanding), it's probably a good idea to head away. And however remote Kashmir may be, you're more likely to run into the Army than ghosts or ghouls. Also, what shaadi ka rivaaaz involves tattooing in the open and having a suhaagraat out there, din mein, given how 'connected' we all are? And Mumbai's streets never sleep, or haven't you heard? You're more likely to have a traffic jam in the middle of the night, Mr Darra. And an MLA's son crossing the road and getting knocked over and no bodyguards as eyewitnesses? And the police not losing their shit over finding missing hit-and-run driver? Father of dead son not ensuring naaka-bandi? What world are we living in? Our imagination? 
Also, have to say this, trailer took you in a different direction, the movie in another. Did someone miss a memo? 

What to do: 

Find a cheap morning show if you're really keen on catching this one. Or don't. Even if you're a fan of any of these 'actors' or 'writer' or 'director'. Unless you're a glutton for punishment.