Movie Review: 'Jupiter Ascending'

Film: Jupiter Ascending
Director: Lana and Andy Wachowski
Cast: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton
Rating: ***

What's it about:

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) would never have guessed it. Well, if you cleaned toilets for a living, you wouldn't either. Not unless your cousin Vladie tried to convince you to sell your eggs for a pretty penny and you found out it was just a cover to get you killed. Why? Because, thanks to your geneprint, you're an Entitled (read: a royal) whose alien dynasty just happens to own Earth. Wait! What?
So, Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), this hunter/warrior with anti-gravity boots kills the aliens sent to kill you and you two escape somehow. You get used to being called 'Your Majesty' by everyone who's either trying to save you/delude you/protect you and what have you. And while you're trying not to get killed or basically wrap your head around the big words they're all throwing your way, you learn that Earth might soon be 'harvested' (what it is, is explained at the start of the movie). What do you do next?

What's hot:

This space opera constantly throws things at you. Not all of them remind you of The Matrix trilogy, though. Or of Cloud Atlas. Well, some do, but those that don't, are the gems to watch out for. The fight that rages across the Chicago skyline, for one. How Jupiter, Caine and their lawyer try to get through a bureaucratic maze is another. Terry Gilliam making a brief cameo at the end of that maze. Now these are things we can all enjoy. And Michael Giacchino's score. The crazy camerawork by John Toll and his team And the visual razzmatazz and things getting blown up and stuff aren't too bad, either. And yeah, Sean Bean doesn't die in this one. Cool!

What's not:

Was Eddie Redmayne's Lord Balem channelling Stephen Hawking? Were those elvish ears and outlandish costumes on loan from some cheap Tolkien production? They sure as hell didn't look as realistic as something Peter Jackson or Guillermo del Toro's production teams would put out. Kunis as Jupiter stays clueless as ever, relying ever so often on Mr Wise to bail her out of making world-ending mistakes. There's so much to diss about in this film. And it's a Wachowski product. Confused, didactic, pretentious and contrived are not adjectives you expect to see in a film of this scale by the siblings. Much effort is made to make you go wow, woah, aww and hell yeah in places and the strain shows. Since when do they have to resort to the tropes of the genre?

What to do:

High on style, but short on substance, Jupiter Ascending could have risen above its flaws. Each sci-fi film is upping the ante these days in every way. You can't afford to be slacking, Wachowskis. Entertaining? Yes. Would I watch it again? No. And 3-D? Just avoid it.