No such thing as the perfect partner, say happily committed individuals

Comedian Daniel Sloss' comic routine titled Jigsaw, which came out on Netflix in October, reportedly caused over 11,000 relationships to end till date. What he said was simple. Refering to an analogy his father had given him that each life is a jigsaw puzzle with the central piece being your partner, he explained, "Every relationship is perfect for three months. Because after three months, you realise that nobody else is a jigsaw piece. Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means that they too have spent the last 20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that you've been working on yours."

The idea of finding the perfect person to love is a trope that society and popular culture has propagated since time immemorial. Whether its Disney's fairy tales, erotica or Bollywood, there is usually a Prince Charming and a Miss Perfect. Their end is usually a happy ever after. As Sloss pointed out, "We've romanticised the idea of romance and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with."

Though his views may have seemed a bit extreme to some romantic souls, we spoke to people from different backgrounds who have been in long-term relationships and marriages. And they too, are willing to break the 'one perfect person' myth.

ROSE-TINTED GLASSES

Author Ashwin Sanghi, who has been married to his wife Anushika for roughly two decades, believes that it is a yearning for romance and not love that leads one to believe that there is a perfect person out there. "When you start out with your relationship, you are looking for romance more than anything else, so you have those notions in your head," he explains. "Once you reach the point where you are no longer looking for romance but are looking for love, you begin to overlook all the other flaws that come in the way."

As human beings, says Sanghi, we are all fundamentally flawed, thereby making it impossible for there to be any 'perfect person' out there. Actress Renuka Shahane, who has been married to actor Ashutosh Rana for over 17 years, admits that she is one of few who never entertained rosy visions about her life partner, only wanting someone who would respect her individuality and value his family. Each relationship, she says, is a constant work-in-progress, and needs effort to like the person you are with. "People change over a period of time, and your outlook towards life changes as you gain in life experiences. You don't have the same relationship with your siblings, parents or friends throughout your life. Why should it be different for a partner?" she asks.

REALITY VS FICTION

The blame largely lies with a society that tries to feed tropes of Prince Charming riding up on a white horse, beautiful princesses in towers just waiting to be rescued and happy-ever-afters that require minimum effort once you get together. "This is actually damaging because you have generations of young people brought up with the belief that they will get married to the perfect person and will live happily ever after. A lot of them then become bitter about their marriage when they are disillusioned," says leading oncologist and LGBT activist Prasad Dandekar.

Love, says Dandekar, who has been in a relationship with his partner for the last 14 years, should be about giving, not taking. "People think that love is something that someone does to you. 'I want to be loved' is what people think," he asserts, adding that the need to take love from someone is another reason for the belief in a perfect partner.Bollywood and pop fiction tends to create grandiose scenarios. Real life, however, is mundane and humdrum. "And we often want it to be that way," says Shahane. "We may want a bit of excitement now and then, but most of the time, the very monotony of life is a comfort, and the same is true for a relationship."

AT THE END OF ROMANCE

While romance is all well and good, it is ultimately understanding that paves the path towards love, says Sanghi. "Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship will tell you that the romance can wear off, and, over a period of time, it gets replaced by a sense of love and comfort." Giving the instance of his own marriage where respect for each others' space has been the glue, he adds, "Being an author, half my month goes in giving lectures or on tour. Even when I am home, my time is not always open. Thankfully, Anushika also enjoys doing her own thing and we give each other the space we need."

Ultimately, it is simply the ability to live with a person despite their flaws that makes for a contented, if not a happy ever after. As Dandekar so aptly points out, "The only person you will not have any complaints about is yourself. The minute there is a second person involved, it's a compromise."