At age nine, when Gauri (then Ganesh) Sawant’s paternal uncle asked her, "Tu baila es ka? (Are you gay?)" – on finding the way she kissed a guy friend odd – was in a sense her first coming out experience. Although she didn’t know what either meant and denied it, she’d admitted to liking boys.
Her journey from Ganesh to Gauri entailed secretly cross-dressing, bonding with others like her at Maheshwari Udyan near her college in Mumbai, inacceptance by family and peers, harassment, finding work and warmth at Humsafar Trust and finally undergoing sex change.
For the 37-year-old Usha Uthup fan, fashionable means “border-sarees, gajra, jhumkas and bangles”. She says motherhood started for her long before Gayatri came into her life. Excerpts from an interview:
You once said that motherhood was forced on you...
Ten years ago, I wasn't even able to take care of myself—mood swings, ups and downs, travelling...social workers have no routine. Being responsible for a child is not easy...
Then what made you do it?
One part was to save her. After her mother, a sex-worker, died of HIV the gharana’s gharwali wanted to sell her off.
The other part was that even as a kid I loved playing with dolls, and like with any normal woman, a child completes your life.
After my sex change, I had tried working for street kids at a shelter in Matunga, but first the Father rejected me and then took me on only to teach me a lesson. He and another priest really harassed me, asked me not interact with kids, etc; they probably thought I’d abuse the children.
How did Gayatri change your life?
I’d never thought I’d love her so much, she completes me. But even goats aren’t safe in Malwani; Gayatri’s a girl. When I was out late, I’d worry about someone misbehaving with her...they may think, “Iski maa hijra hai, woh kya karlegi”.
I would try taking her along whenever possible and when I was away, she’d stay with families that have no men.
If something happens to me, I don't want her to return to the streets.
Honestly, she's been raised by many people. My guru Kanchana is really motherly—she would oil Gayatri's hair and get her nice South Indian clothes. If Gayatri wanted something, she’d ask my chelas and say, "Amma ko mat bolo.”
Did Gayatri wonder why her family set-up is different?
She had many questions. To go anywhere she’d be with four hijras; autowallahs would adjust the mirror and ask, “Yeh bhi aapke jaisi hai kya?” and she would retaliate, “Eh main hijra dikhti hoon kya? Sidha chala na”.
Another time, she asked me to stop sending them to drop her for tuitions saying “Sab mujhe hijra hijra boolatein hai”.
These reactions would also hurt my chelas. One of them started crying, “Yeh badi hokar bhi hamein izzat nahi degi.” I have to take care of both sides—explain to them that she’s a kid and also remind her “ki beta main bhi hijra hoon na”.
But it's difficult for a child. There's no woman in our house, only all extraordinary women; we openly discuss sex, crack non-veg jokes; have condoms and dildos lying around due to our work...It became an overdose for her, she got over-sensitised.
Was school also difficult?
No no, in fact, she would scare the children saying, "Main hijron ke ghar se hoon – mujhe kuch karega toh woh aake maarenge…”
Why did you send her off to boarding?
I sent her five-six years ago because she wasn't studying properly. I want her to make something of herself.
Gayatri is now 15; is adolescence challenging?
I have always ensured that my hijras sleep on one side of me and she on the other. I taught her about good touch and bad touch.
I’m very free with men, but I tell her “that doesn't mean you can be” because I know how to set limits.
Once, she’d worn a T-shirt and gone to a shop – the shopkeeper kept looking at it instead of her face. So I just hid it to make sure she wears salwar-kurtas with duppatta. Explaining doesn't always work, she’s stubborn.
What are your dreams for her?
I want her to forget the past and focus on the future. As a social worker’s kid, even if she doesn’t become a social worker, she should be socially sensitised. We celebrate birthdays with orphans. When I read out Ramayana to her, she asked me, “Kyun Lakshman ne Surpanakha ka naak kaata. Usse sex hi karna tha na, kar leta...” so I explained patriarchy.
I feel proud that she asks questions, knows right from wrong and understands a woman's right to desire...
