How to move on and walk the path to forgiveness

Holding on to anger, is like consuming poison and expecting the other person to die – Buddhist saying. 

This week, let's learn from two seemingly unconnected events. One took place five hundred years ago in 1504, and one took place 10 days back, in the week January 7 to January 16. Both events had the world’s attention. 

I was reminded about this story, by a granthi (priest) from a Gurudwara in Khar, Mumbai, whom I met at a friend's place. In the renaissance period, two artists were at their prime. Leonardo da Vinci, a philosopher, engineer, medical practitioner with an intellect of the highest order, made most famous by the famous 'The Last Supper' and 'Mona Lisa'. His rival was none other than Michelangelo, who painted the famous Sistine Chapel ceiling and his great labor love, the statue of David.

Leonardo da Vinci was commissioned to paint 'The Battle of Anghiari' (between Florence and Milan) on a wall of the Council Hall. The opposite wall was given to Michelangelo where he was to paint the Battle of Cascina (between Florence and Pisa). The entire town and artistic community would have been abuzz, because two contrasting styles of art were to go into battle to establish artistic supremacy. 

They took dramatically different approaches. Da Vinci showed soldiers and horses in the heat of battle. Michelangelo started drawing the initial sketches. He wanted to show soldiers who were bathing in a river, when they were ambushed. 

Da Vinci tried a dramatically different technique, but the experiment failed and the colours of the painting were damaged. On the other hand, within a couple of years Michelangelo was called away by Pope Julius II to build the Pope’s tomb. 

So neither artist could demonstrate their supremacy. However their styles of painting influenced subsequent generations of artists. 

The point being made is simple. This is how artists settle their differences. With paint, intellect and vision. More importantly, they engaged with each other, on opposite walls. 

Interestingly soon after this, the most famous painting of da Vinci, the 'Mona Lisa', made its way to the Louvre in Paris. Where the second story unveils itself. 

We all know what happened with Charlie Hebdo and the subsequent survivor issue. 

What did not get enough news coverage, was a simple statement made by the cartoonist Luz. He said “I think that (our friends) who have been killed, if they were here, they would have been able to have a coffee today with the terrorists and just talk to them, ask them why they have done this,” he said. “We feel, as Charlie Hebdo’s team, that we need to forgive the two terrorists who have killed our colleagues.”

Like I wrote in my last column, “When you meaningfully engage with someone, who has a differing view point, to understand their view point, you gain an important perspective. Picture this. If someone instead of replying with violence, had actually challenged Charlie Hebdo cartoonist Cabu, director Rajkumar Hirani, writer Salman Rushdie and the late painter MF Hussain to a debate on the intellectual quality, depth of knowledge, and artistic sensibilities, we would operate from a platform of common understanding of the future we need to create.”

They are trying to do, what Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo did, five hundred years back. Engage and offer perspectives. 

For hundreds of years, artists have clashed, wielding brush and chisel, splashes of paint  and lines of ink, on swathes of canvas and marble drenched with wicked wit and scathing sarcasm. Settle their ideological differences with intellect. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson, writes, Crimen quos inquinat, æquat. To those whom we admire and love, at first we cannot….There can never be deep peace between two spirits, never mutual respect, until in their dialogue each stands for the whole world. 

Emerson also says, "Let him be to thee forever a sort of beautiful enemy, untamable, devoutly revered, and not a trivial conveniency to be soon outgrown and cast aside."

Michael McCullough and his colleagues do a lot of research on revenge and forgiveness. They posited that humans have this capacity to seek vengeance and to forgive at the same time. McCullough found out that most people can recall a period in the last one year, when they wanted to exact revenge from someone who harmed them. However they have proven that this leads to cycles of revenge and counter revenge. The solution is forgiveness. 

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is overcoming the damage your relationship has been caused by someone’s actions. 

When you are angry, your first response is to cause an equal harm to the person. If that does not happen, then you, either, withdraw away from the person or in your mind, you want to seek revenge. The withdrawal and seeking revenge can last years. The class bully, someone broke your heart, a horrible boss, being laid off, someone cheated you. The memories remain, causing harm to your own self.

Forgiveness takes place when your thinking shifts from a desire to harm to a desire to do good and the desire to restore your relationship has increased. 

Forgiveness is good for your mental and physical health. Scientists have discovered that, people who forgive; suffer from lesser blood pressure and heart related problems. They undertake lesser substance, alcohol and nicotine abuse. 

People who can forgive show higher self-esteem, have better social support systems, enjoy more positive relationships, and are less prone to stress and anxiety disorders 

How do you know you have moved on? 

Many people think that they have forgiven someone and moved on. Ask yourself these questions, about when you think of someone who has hurt you in the past. Indicate your thoughts and feelings about the person, right now, and answer the following questions. 

Are you thinking or feeling: 
I will make him/her pay for this. 
I wish that something bad would happen to him/her.
I want him/her to get what she deserves 
I am going to get even 
I want to see him/her miserable

If you are thinking/feeling these, you need to learn how to forgive. You are still looking to exact revenge. 

I live as if he/she doesn’t exist, isn’t around. 
I keep as much distance between us as possible 

You have not gotten over it, and you are avoiding the negativity being caused in your life. 

So how do you forgive? 

There are three steps. 

I recently met a very very old colleague. During the conversation, he said, that when we were colleagues in an earlier company, he felt, I did not give his potential and contribution due importance. The fact that we were meeting itself was an indication that he had forgiven my long held stance. I never realised that I had hurt him, that itself was a revelation to me, of my poor empathy skills. Secondly, for me it was a big relief that he had moved on. It made me feel much lighter. 

That is the first step. Think about a time, when you did something, which you are not very proud off. It could be a time you were very rude and hurt someone. It could be a time, when you let someone down. Maybe you dumped someone. It could be a time, when you threw the first punch. None of us are saints. We can think of a time, when we were the aggressor. 

If they have communicated their forgiveness to you, directly or indirectly, how did it feel? Did your relationship change after they communicated their forgiveness? 

If you can understand that forgiving lightens you of a load, you can now try and use empathy. 

I am a Muslim, and a Hindu, and a Christian, and a Jew - and so are all of you – Mohandas Gandhi 

Empathy is exactly what the cartoonists are trying to feel, when they want to engage their opponents over a cup of coffee.  

Michael McCullough and his colleagues have found that with empathy, you are in a better place to forgive someone.  

Try and understand the transgressor’s feelings and how it led him into a certain behavior towards you. 

The person I mentioned earlier, told me that after sometime he understood that what I was doing, was not with mal-intent, but that my priorities were not in his department. So he built empathy towards me. 

In your daily life, when someone does something that perplexes you and infuriates you, try and understand what the person is going through. The idea is to learn something. 

The final step, is to make a heartfelt connect. After you have understood the person, make an attempt to connect with the person and share your own “hurt” with the person. Like me, the person may be unaware of the impact on your feelings. 

Withdrawing and going away sulking for many years, is only going to make you even more miserable. Chances are, that your transgressor, has already moved on. 

Just as an aside.The steps will be very different if you are currently being subjected to domestic violence, harassment or discrimination. Kristina Gordon and S Burton have found that forgiveness in these cases might lead to more violence. If you are, I would urge you to seek help. Just practicing empathy and forgiveness, while you keep getting battered is not a good idea. I have heard many stories of housewives, who “forgive and forget” with alcoholic husbands and keep getting subjected to abuse. Please seek help. 

Coming back, I want to close with this old Zen story. 

A beautiful lady, wearing a white kimono, wondering how to cross the river. Two monks pass by. Senio Monk sees her dilemma, against all norms, lifts her onto his shoulder, carries her across. In the evening Junior Monk tells the Senior monk, "sir, you made a mistake by carrying her". Senior Monk replies, indeed, I carried her and dropped her off in the morning itself, but you still seem to be carrying her.”

Forgiveness is a very difficult activity. Amongst all Positivity interventions, forgiveness has far reaching impact on our lives. However, it is a habit worth pursuing. 

We will continue to face life’s many uncertainties. Stress will take its toll on emotions and thought processes. Humans will continue to take make errors, which they will later regret, or at times be unaware of their actions. 

The deeper question to ask yourself is, do you want to continue to languish in negativity or move into a flourishing zone of positivity. 

It is only with deep meaningful engagement with our opponents that humankind makes progress. 

Forgiveness is something that you do, to make a positive impact on yourself and then to the lives around you. 

With forgiveness comes engagement. With engagement your broaden your perspective. Perspective gives rise to possibilities. Possibility is the mother lode of progress. If we can see a possibility, we will have peace, progress and prosperity for generations to come. 

So if you disagree with me, come, have a coffee with me. I will learn something, and pay for the coffee. 

With that, have a positive week ahead.