How to spot, stop a toxic parent

Parenting is difficult. There is no school that prepares or trains you for it, and while there is a lot of advice available from well-meaning family and friends, there is also a tonne of judgment coming your way if your parenting style is non-traditional. But that is no reason to turn into a toxic parent. A toxic parent is one who mentally, physically and/or sexually abuses their child, believing that the parent owns the child and the child owes them everything.

Abuse can be both verbal and non-verbal. According to Smita Sahay, Founder and CEO, Accio Health, “Toxic parents use tactics like intimidation, emotional blackmail, shaming, bullying and ridicule to manipulate the child into bending to their will.” Deepak Kashyap, a psychologist with expertise in the field of parent-child relationships says that parental abuse is normalised in our culture. “We don’t raise our children to be independent. We don’t even want them to think independently,” he says. Children grow up facing intense psychological abuse disguised as ‘tough love’ because this is how parents retain control over them. Kashyap elaborates, “The deification of parents in our culture and their image as self-sacrificing God-like creatures, makes it difficult for children to stand up to them without feeling guilty.”

Add to that how our movies depict parents. There is Chaudhary Baldev Singh from Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge who didn’t care about Simran’s consent before fixing her marriage or her protests later on. Ditto Kishorilal from Pardes who only relented after Ganga showed him evidence of sexual abuse by her fiance’. Another example is that Ashok Nanda from Student of the Year who keeps bullying, shaming and ridiculing his son and even hopes he loses the race. Kashyap says the latest example of the toxic dad in Indian cinema is Mahavir Singh from Dangal, a man who pushed his daughters to make his own dreams come true with little concern for their own dreams or even their consent. In fact, the daughters are made to feel grateful that at least their father did not marry them off. “Dangal legitimises toxic parenting. It appears to pander to our consequentialist morality and says everything is okay as long as the ends justify the means,” says Kashyap. “In the end, Geeta is more interested in hearing her father say shabbash than winning the medal, perhaps because wrestling was never their dream anyway,” says Kashyap.

Very often the child is either too young or innocent to see these signs and therefore unable to seek help. So how can a teenager spot toxic behaviour in their parents? First, one has to realise that this is not a free pass at blaming one’s parents. A lot of thought and patient observation is required in order to determine if the parent is actually abusive or just strict. A toxic parent often encourages their child to lie in order to cover their own transgressions like an addiction or affair. A toxic parent constantly takes pot-shots at their child’s appearance and personality.  Good parents also ensure that if they have disagreements the children never find out about it. But a toxic parent always complains to their children about the other parent and plays the hapless victim or martyr. A toxic parent often uses threats or emotional blackmail to get their child to do their bidding. The more obvious signs are rampant verbal, physical or sexual abuse. “Even locking the child in a dark room, or depriving them of food, water or bathroom facilities are signs of abusive parenting,” says Sahay.

But just identifying such behaviour isn’t enough. Given how children are economically dependent on their parents, it is difficult for a child to approach a therapist on their own. Often other trusted adults like the child’s teacher or neighbour might choose to stay out of a ‘family matter’. In such cases, the child should approach the school counsellor for help. Says Sahay, “Often toxic parents are themselves survivors of toxic parenting and are just caught in a cycle of abuse. This is why family therapy is required instead of just therapy for the child.” Schools should also make the child helpline number available to all students, and teachers should be alert to behavioural changes. After all, we owe it to our children to leave them a world better than the one we inherited.