If I am into BDSM, am I feminist?

If your only brush with kinky practices is Fifty Shades of Grey (and other shades thereof), and you identify as a feminist, there could be some soul-searching about whether kink and feminism could co-exist. Kink is broadly defined as unconventional sexual practices, concepts, fetishes or fantasies. These could include group sex, bondage, BDSM, fetishism, role-play and other creative activities. A stream of argument called kink-critical finds kink problematic and against ethos of feminism. But is it really?

Kinky Collective, which seeks to raise awareness about kink and consent in India, held a workshop along with members of the team at iCALL Psychosocial Helpline recently to help counsellors understand what kink is. Often labeled as a disorder, practitioners of kink could grapple with feelings of internalised guilt, social stigma, pressure to get married and isolation. Counsellers from iCall, during the workshop, said many callers confessed to having complicated feelings about their sexual activities.

"Practicing one's sexuality with awareness and informed consent doesn't go against the ethos of feminism," clarified Pompi Banerjee, a member of the Kinky Collective team. "While some objections have been posed by feminists in the West, the engagement between kink and feminism has grown in recent times, and it has been recognised that the two actually aren't in a binary."

In her view, being kinky – especially when it comes to BDSM – challenges the hetero-normative, patriarchal view of sex which sees being penetrated as being submissive, or in a feminine (and inferior) role; while being the one who penetrates is seen as the one in power and equated with being masculine and superior. Kink turns this assumption on its head. A woman can express her dominance, whereas a man can express his submission. To transpersons and people who identify as non-binary, kink is a space to express sexuality without the pressure to conform to the gendered notions which is often limited to who penetrates whom.

'Please?' is the password

The powerful element here, says Banerjee, is that any form of kink necessitates expression of consent, something the patriarchal view of sex has erased throughout history. "In kink, consent is a medium of pleasure, and isn't limited to prevention of harm," says the psychologist and human rights activist. "The very freedom of expression of one's desires, the space to not feel guilty or bad about one's sexuality is feminist in nature. Furthermore, in kink, desires aren't gendered. One can be a woman and yet be the penetrator; or a man can be submissive. The act of penetration does not determine submission or dominance. As a woman, kink provides me with a space to accept my sexuality, and consent to being submissive as well as withdraw that consent. This exercise of individual choice is, indeed, feminist."

An act of agency

For Paras Sharma, a programme co-ordinator at iCALL Psychosocial Helpline, some ideas stood out at the workshop. "First, that consent is at the centre of the BDSM experience," says the 29-year-old. "All partners involved have the freedom to stop any act at any time if they feel it's going in a direction they don't want. All partners having equal agency — isn't that one of the things that feminism stands for?"

Sharma also clarified that the assumption one makes with BDSM is that the dominant partner is always male and that the submissive partner is always female, which cannot be further from the truth. Even in cases that this is true, BDSM operates on the principle of power exchange, not unilateral exertion of power. The Sub (the partner in the Submissive/Recipient role) gains pleasure by giving the Dom (the partner in the Dominance role) the power to be dominant, and vice versa. "Feminism does not judge people on the basis of what they consensually enjoy, and kink helps subvert many of these heteronormative patriarchal ideals," says Sharma.

Raj M, a researcher who has co-written multiple papers on kink and feminism, has a unique take on the matter. "Popular mainstream depictions of kink feature a woman being submissive to a man," he says. "But, what is not evident is that kink is centered around agency, consent, negotiations and communication. Even if a seemingly 'mainstream' submissive role is chosen by a woman, it has the capacity to be feminist as roles and dynamics are intentional, discussed, negotiated and consented to by all involved, unlike in real life where power dynamics are rarely acknowledged, whether in a sexual, erotic, or any other domain."

Furthermore, being submissive, he says, doesn't mean you don't have power. "The Sub holds power in specific ways — expression of desire, choosing what is pleasurable and when to stop. These limits are set by a submissive partner," he says. "This also invisibilises male Submissives, who can then challenge scripts of patriarchy."