Not without my gay son

"Truth is, in India, coming to terms with your son or daughter being gay is tough. Nothing can prepare you for it, and most of us have almost never imagined the possibility,” says Mina Saran about her son Nishit telling her that he was gay.

Nishit filmed the moment he told his mother. The 20-minute film, Summer In My Veins has since helped countless young people come out about their homosexuality to their parents.

Years later, Mina Saran lost her son to an accident, and later set up the Nishit Saran Foundation, which offers support to parents, friends and families of gay people, besides various other projects.
Unfortunately, sexuality is far from becoming a non-issue in our society. Coming out of the closet is still tough.

Parents and families of homosexuals need as much support as their children to stand against the often oppressive norm of heterosexuality and accept their children’s choices. Awareness is rather slow to come, but with more and more people talking about their experiences, and a few support groups for parents, families are finding strength in numbers.

‘Who’ll stand by him?’
It’s been five years since Padma Iyer’s son, Harish, came out to her. “Harish was always shy and introverted as a child, sort of afraid of the world. I used to be worried about that. I could see something was bothering him, but I couldn’t understand what it was. When he came out to me, I must admit that I was shocked. I thought he was confused,” she recalls. “I asked myself if it was my fault in some way. Where did I go wrong?”

Padma has come a long way after the initial shock. “My mother was supportive, and that helped me stand by my son’s choice,” she says. Ever since he came out, Harish has become more outspoken, and much more open with the world, she adds.
Others in the family aren’t as open though. “His father still hopes that Harish will change. My younger son isn’t taking it well either,” she says, adding that this worries her. “I often wonder, what will happen to Harish after I die? He isn’t close to his father or brother, so who will support him when I’m gone?”

This is a nagging fear that others like her share. For Saramma William, this has been the biggest worry since her 28-year-old daughter Princy told her that she was a lesbian. They belong to a staunch Christian community from Kerala, and homosexuality is considered unpardonable, says Saramma.

“We wanted her to get married, and that was when she finally told us she is a lesbian. I did not believe her for a long time, until she told me she had a girlfriend. Princy is my only daughter, and if I don’t support her, who will? Her father refuses to talk about it, and worries constantly about what others would say if they came to know. I know they will ostracise her — relatives, church, and our society. Princy tells me not to worry. She works in Paris, and comes home rarely. But how can I stop worrying?” she asks.

For the last two years, Padma has been attending meets in Mumbai where parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people come together. Here, each one tells their story. “We express and share our feelings and concerns with other parents who are going through similar experiences. We encourage each other to come to terms with their son’s or daughter’s sexuality,” Padma says.

Moms are more supportive
Most of those who attend these meets are mothers, she says. “I have only met one or two fathers.” Padma remembers an instance where a girl came out to her parents. The mother refused to accept it, but the father supported his daughter’s choice. “That is unusual. It’s usually mothers who are more supportive,” says Padma.

Even at the first such meet held in Bangalore last year, there was just one father who attended. In order to protect the privacy of the participants, it was a closed event. How to talk to the extended family and society, pressures of marriage, safety and physical security of their children, medical, personal, cultural opinions, and concerns about having or adopting children were discussed at the meeting. Vinay Chandran of Swabhava Trust, who facilitated the meet, says the group agreed to be part of a support system for parents who wanted to understand what other parents of LGBT people go through. He is planning to organise another such meeting soon.

“When we talk to other parents, we feel that we are not alone, and that helps,” Padma says. She accepts her son for who he is, and wants to help other parents who are struggling with the emotional impact of having a son or daughter come out to them. For them, Mina Saran says: “…our experience with Nishit, from accepting his sexuality to then losing him, has taught us what is most important about being a parent — that we love and accept our children for who they are, and that their sexuality doesn’t change the person you have always known them to be. Knowing that they are safe with us will help them through their own struggles in life, and even with their own acceptance of who they are.”