Polyamory: When three is not a crowd

Movies, pop culture and some romantic literature have familiarised us with love triangles – the kind where love is mutual only between two. As sad as you may feel for the one left out and wonder why it's called a 'love' triangle at all when the third person gets none, you accept that, that's how it works. Monogamy demands it, and by extension, its idea of fidelity. But increasingly, researchers worldwide are suggesting that the future of love, and possibly even marriage, lies in polyamory, literally meaning 'many loves'. Some dictionaries call it the 'practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all involved', but those in 'polys' short for polyamorous relationships, say it's not just about sex. They have a deep, emotional commitment to all partners. Mumbai-based Richa Ruia*, who's in her second poly triad, narrates her story:

Two polys, her true story

We met through Twitter. *Soham and I had similar taste in movies, music, jokes...even our ideas of love matched. Back then, in 2014, I didn't even know the word polyamory, but we discussed things like feeling strongly about two people simultaneously, the genuineness of emotions, how sex would fit into it, whether it's right or wrong and society's perceptions. And then we agreed we'd date others too. Our interest in others needn't have to mean less interest in each other; sometimes other people just tap into different aspects of your personality.

A few months later, *Aditya and I fell in "love at first sight". He and Soham had common friends. A traditional relationships person, Aditya had to grapple with the reality that I wouldn't be exclusive. Initially, I tried pushing back, worried poly may be a negative experience for him. But he appreciated my honesty and genuineness enough to give it a shot, take the risk.

Though Aditya made peace with it, some of his friends were bent on proving that "Richa's only there for the sex". But these very friends had no qualms with Soham's short affair; he wasn't boycotted from parties like I was because "he's got that reputation anyway". Thankfully, others tried to understand and not be judgemental. I've long questioned the way people look at women, and also studied gender and culture...society is steeped in slut shaming, labels and stereotypes. Why would it spare me?

In September, I moved to London for my master's. But we continued being in a poly and also kept it open to hook-ups. Long distance was difficult. I had to end things with one. Since Soham and I had a lot in common and always gave each other space, I thought we'd be able to weather a break up and continue to remain friends. Whereas, Aditya and I only had our connect, and the intensity of our emotions at that point was so high, I had to be true to it.

But it backfired. Soham didn't understand and cut off. Seeing his pictures with his new girlfriend, all over social media, wasn't easy. I wasn't jealous, but losing our bond hurt. I missed sharing things with him and despite the exclusivity, things ended with Aditya too as we couldn't get over certain differences.

But I still believed in the purity of emotions we'd all shared and so in poly, which I had arrived at organically in my search of a model that made sense for the person I am.

Curiosity made me download Tinder where I met my current boyfriends. Incidentally, both their names are *Siddharth! To avoid confusion, I call one *Khanna. For Sid there has to be a primary partner, but Khanna and I don't believe in hierarchy. By making one person primary, you limit what the other relationship can become. But it so happened that Khanna and I would meet as per convenience due to our busy schedules and lesser communication, while things progressed speedily with Sid, who's become my 'main boyfriend'.

They recently met when Sid made the effort to say hello while fetching me from Khanna's; I'm glad that they've seen for themselves what I see in the other. Earlier, Sid always felt Khanna wasn't invested in me and was concerned I was jeopardising our safety by not using a condom with Khanna, who hooked up with many women.

Gradually, Sid and I grew closer, but as our expectations built, we also started seeing everything from a micro lens of past actions, habits, etc... taking away the lightness of the relationship. So around August, we took a break to reflect. Just then Khanna, whom I had stopped seeing, got in touch to work things out. Whenever a new person enters our lives, Sid and I pursue him/her together; we're constantly discussing how s/he makes the other feel, whether we have space for him/her, etc. Communication also pulled us through when I felt insecure that things intensified too quickly between him and a girl on Tinder.

Both marketing professionals, Sid and I usually end up eating, shopping and working together. Now, we're thinking of living in. Our friends know about the poly and I plan to clue in family gradually, starting with my siblings who stay in London. What about marriage? We aren't settled enough to tie the knot. But I believe in the institution — it's romantic. With legal backing and less emotional work, monogamy is actually more practical, but polyamory has allowed me to chase a range of experiences without guilt. If it turns out to be an integral part of me, I will seek a husband who is open to poly marriages too.

(*All names have been changed on request)

Is polyamory really the future?

Before we deal with that, let's ask whether it's for everyone. No it seems. Ten to 12 of clinical psychologist Nandita Sarma's clients, who visit her for varying reasons, are polyamourous. Based on their interactions, she says, "Polys require a lot of maturity as they involve a lot of emotion, stress and exploration. You not only deal with all partners' baggages, but also their ambitions, families, friends...everyone can't handle it."

Polyamory Facebook groups are widespread – from the Philippines and Venezuela to Switzerland and Australia. Spiritual counsellor Rohit Juneja, who started one called Polyamory India in 2017, also agrees that polys are not for everyone. "Most people merely want status quo in their relationships. Polyamory isn't for them. Nor for those who want to fall in love. It's for those who want to rise in love and seek a deep, unbreakable bond."

Married, separated, polyamory-experienced and now single, Juneja is equally open to monogamy. Having moved to San Deigo years ago, he explains why polys have caught on like wildfire in the West. "Fifty per cent people cheat in long-term relationships. Some stopped to think: what's happening? Many feel attracted to others despite being in relationships. Poly allows you to share it with your partner (s), removing guilt from the equation. No one has to live a fake life."

That said, in Sarma's experience, people feel "confused" and jealous, which seems only natural as is the case in monogamous relationships. But many in polys experience 'compersion'. Coined by Kerista Commune between 1971 and 1991, it's the opposite of jealousy – the joy one feels when a loved one derives pleasure from another romantic (or sexual) relationship. "You have to understand that nothing and no one belongs to anyone.

Jealousy can be overcome; couples here have been in polys for 30 years," says Juneja, who's authored Loving Soulfully.

With research observing benefits of polyamory and reports forcasting it as the future of love, dating and even families, you hope openness and freedom will prevent breakups or reduce divorce rates. But it may, or may not.

"Polyamory can't resolve problems existing in a relationship, it would worsen matters," says Sarma and "it's not a quick fix or an escape from commitment. It's for expanding your love, and enjoying an adventure, with a partner you have a strong bond with," clarifies Juneja.

Even though polygamy is prevalent among various communities worldwide, Sarma isn't bullish about poly marriages because "somewhere something hurts – everyone around us is in traditional family structures". The US reportedly has over half a million poly families. No wonder Juneja is hopeful it will be legalised after gay marriages are. Until then, poly marriages mean married couples opening doors to new partners and sometimes even living with them all under one roof, like in Portland, Oregon, US.

Won't this lead to unmarried partners feeling secondary? Juneja nods, "It's possible. That's why many follow relationship anarchy. But a certificate can't hold people together. You could be married today and divorced tomorrow. It's like having kids. To be fair, you must love them all equally."

Considering opening up your relationship? "I've never seen it work unless both partners want it or when the new amour is kept in the dark. Inform him/her by the second date and surely before getting intimate," Juneja signs off.

Poly in Popular Culture

3 on a Bed is India's first polyamoric film, written and directed by Rajdeep Paul and Sarmistha Maiti, and producted by Satyajit Ray Film and Television Institute.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy is considered the bible of polyamory.

Polyamory: Married and Dating is an American reality series on Showtime (www.sho.com), two seasons of which are already out. The newest one to live-stream is The Poly Life.

Ok Cupid, a dating app has a feature for polyamorous couples

Indian Facebook groups: Polyamory India (support group), Polyamory India (study group), Polyamory india, Polyamory India- Infinite Love, Spritual Sex and Polyamory India, Polyamory Mumbai, Polyamory Punjabi, LGBT Polyamory India.