Do it your way

A few days ago a leading UK newspaper had several well known writers send in 10 rules to follow if one was writing a novel. Each of the writers invited to contribute had several gems to share; from “hire an accountant” by Hilary Mantel to “stay in your mental pyjamas all day” by Colm Toibin to Philip Pullman’s priceless “My main rule is to say no to things like this, which tempt me away from my proper work.”

There are occasions when I need information. How to get a visa or a ration card? So there are times when I could do with some help. But when it comes to life lessons, I tend to disdain experts. They know a hundred ways to get things right. But if we were to ask them who taught them what they know, they would be hard pressed for an answer. There is knowledge that our parents and teachers impart to us. There are codes of conduct our traditions, religion or etiquette dictates. But beyond that we learn most things by ourselves. Though the world would have you think otherwise.
There are books, TV shows and websites that will play Miyagi San to our wide eyed Karate kid selves. Teaching us how to cook, upholster a chair, write a novel or grow roses. It is as if, just about anything can be taught. But as anyone who has tried joinery or embroidery or even fitting a light bulb on their own will tell you, nothing teaches as well as experience. I think of how in my teens, my parents wanted to impart what they knew of life to me. It was their love that made them want to buffer me from life’s knocks. But eventually, I had to learn from my mistakes. Nothing or no one can ever really save us from our lapses. And why should we be saved? We have one life to lead and it ought to be richly textured. What makes our lives ours are the decisions we make, our mistakes and our lessons.

I would rather have it so than allow someone else to place me in a version of a perfect sanitised life where every move has been tried and tested by experts who tell you how to get it right.

—Anita Nair’s latest novel is Lessons in Forgetting