We fight, not over Kashmir but over who will wash the dishes

Amitava Kumar, author of Husband Of A Fanatic (2004), watched the to-do over the Sania-Shoaib match with some bemusement and a great deal of empathy. After all, the professor of English at Vassar College in New York State had not only married a Pakistani himself, but also written a book on it. In an interview with DNA, Kumar provides a characteristically tongue-in-cheek and at the same time insightful view on cross-border relationships that transcend the prejudices bearing down on them.
 
Where did you meet your wife? Was it love at first sight?
My wife’s name is Mona Ahmad Ali. I met her in New York City, in August of 1997, during the India Day parade. I began to fall in love with her when I found myself writing a poem about that day. “I have lost India, you have lost Pakistan, we have become the citizens of General Electric...”

What was the courtship like? Was it fascinating for you to be going out with a Pakistani and for her to be dating an Indian?
The New York Times had just published a story about Indians and Pakistanis getting along together in places like Queens. I was happy that I was part of an international trend. It is not every day that you have a part of your life validated by The New York Times!
 
How did your families react when you told them about your marriage plans? Have their opinions changed over the years?
It was more than a little awkward. The day I arrived in the home of my wife’s parents, I read the news about the Indian pilots being shot down by the Pakistanis. The war had started in Kargil.

The World Cup was being played in England. The day I got married, I saw on TV that at the India-Pakistan match a spectator was wearing a sign that said “cricket for peace.” I soon wrote an article called “marriage for peace.” As a result of that, a Hindu right-wing group in New York put me on a black list.
But my parents were understanding. They encouraged me to get married, although I’m sure there were reservations. It was the same story on the other side. There were objections but the general sentiment was of support. It has only grown over the years.
 
Were there any conflicts between the two of you? Did the marriage require any getting-adjusted-to that was out of the ordinary?
I liked what my friend Namrata Joshi wrote in a report the other day, that in India-Pakistan marriages, it is the state that plays the mother-in-law. Getting a visa is a huge problem. And once you have found entry, you have to provide daily haazari in the thana as if you are a criminal. It almost makes you a romantic; you think you’ve done something transgressive!
 
Has the difference in nationalities ever resulted in a problem for any one of you?
I read somewhere that Sania Mirza was asked whether Shoaib Malik and she had discussed Kashmir. She said she hadn’t. Thank god! Otherwise I would have thought I had a very boring marriage. We fight not over Kashmir but over who will wash the dishes.
 
Do the differences in the two cultures affect the relationship?
If I had married an American woman who didn’t speak the same language as me, it’s possible I wouldn’t have been able to watch a Hindi film with her. Some of my wife’s relatives know more about Bollywood than I do. It’s another matter that my wife can’t tell the difference between Sanjeev Kumar and Akshay Kumar.
 
Over the years, how has your relationship with your wife, her family and friends evolved?
I am very much touched by the fact that people on both sides make an extra effort to learn about the other and do their best to show that they value it. I’m talking of small things, but in the end these things matter.
 
Did you perceive any changes in your attitudes toward Pakistan and Pakistanis after getting into this relationship? Did you become aware of any hidden prejudices?
I have been fortunate after my marriage to get the chance to visit Pakistan. I met so many writers, artists, activists. It was good to get a sense of that Pakistan which you don’t see in the news reports about the country. But I was also disappointed. Its military has the kind of power which, especially in alliance with the mullahs, has stunted democracy. I guess I’m saying my visits deepened my prejudice — I wouldn’t want to live there.

And yet, there’s something else I must add. My wife came to India after we got married. She met her own uncle for the first time in Delhi. He had retired from a senior position in the IPS. While he was in service, he had never visited Pakistan, not even when his mother died. I wonder whether he thought his peers or his seniors would doubt his loyalty. In any case, when he met Mona at Palam airport, he just held her and cried; his niece whom he had known about for thirty years. What a tragedy! What have we done to each other!
 
What is your opinion on cross-border marriages?
After I wrote Husband Of A Fanatic, young people would send me letters all the time, asking questions and seeking advice. These were people who were in Hindu-Muslim relationships and, in some cases, also in cross-border relationships. I didn’t know what to say, and I don’t still. Sometimes I feel that modern relationships are so precarious, so much under all kinds of pressure, you don’t need to add to it the strife of two big nations. But what do such thoughts matter to two people who are exploring the geography of each other’s souls?
 
What happens when there’s a conflict between the two nations?
This is a slightly sensitive topic. My wife was horrified by what was happening during the Mumbai attacks, in November 2008, but she didn’t share my intense desire to find out if the Pakistanis were involved in it. This was during the first few hours of the terrorists killing people in Leopold Cafe and other places. When I later thought about it, I wasn’t sure whose had been the more human response.
 
How does your daughter Ila react to the Indo-Pak aspect in the family?
Identity is something that children in the West can pick out in a supermarket. So, my daughter says she is “half-Indian, half-Pakistani” — you have to love the innocence. I don’t have that luxury. In India as well as Pakistan, I have been asked what is Ila’s religion — is she Hindu or Muslim? I sometimes wish I could say, “She’s Chinese.”
 
Is it possible to live peacefully in one another’s country after marriage? Or is it much easier to settle down in a third country?
Such questions can only be asked of the rich or the well-to-do. For the poor, there is little choice. I point this out because the real difficulty might lie in the lives of those who have little power. For most people who are reading this, a cross-border marriage is likely to make a good conversation piece during cocktails. Or, in the case of Sania and Shoaib, a matter for the media to dissect ad nauseam.
 
It’s true the Shoaib-Sania wedding came under a lot of strain. What would your advice to them be, from your own experience?
These are international stars. They are used to all kinds of media attention. They’re sure to be paying someone by now to handle not only the media but the sorts of advice a person like me is able to provide. The real advice is for us — on the outside — who project our own truths on to the lives of others. I’m thinking for example of Bal Thackeray saying that Sania Mirza’s heart is not Indian. There you have it, the complexity of the human heart reduced to a gland for sweating a fixed emotion.