No substitute for the real

Queries of my women readers have made me write this one. Do you think you are extra sensitive with him compared to your relaxed, easy-going and happy disposition towards other men you aren't involved with? Well, the answer is, you are supposed to feel things deeply! You are a woman! You ought to feel sensitive about the man you love. And that's exactly the reason your words or actions wouldn't weave the same chords or notes of emotions with others around you, except for him.

The problem here is not being oversensitive, but not being able to express your sensitivity prudently, so that you don't come across as someone either cold and indifferent and blame him for doing everything wrong or as someone needy and clingy.

Both unwarranted! It's like being 'caught between the devil and the deep blue sea'. If you express, you may be perceived as being too dependent and if you don't you may come about as being uncaring.

The irony of being attracted to a man, at the same time either obsessing over him or not showing you care, can be very frustrating. The frustration could be the result of some deep-seated insecurity. Insecurities always show up when stakes seem high in a relationship. And these are the times when the feeling of being at a man's mercy or whims and fancies reaches its peak, creating internal conflicts. As much as you feel either insecure or controlled by him, it's your own thought process which leads to this quagmire of insecurity and uncertainty. Do you think it is restraining you from expressing uninhibitedly?

The best thing to do in these situations is to make peace with yourself first. This can happen when you think through before saying or doing something – especially when discussing sensitive issues or trying to resolve a conflict. That will give you that sure shot footing to analyse your act or thoughts. Essentially, it should sound reasonable and not too explaining or convincing. It shouldn't take the form of disgruntle or contempt either. Always discussing in person and using the right words like "I feel" instead of "you", help.

Nothing can be as wonderful as being yourself in a relationship – the way you are with other men you don't have feelings for or with your girlfriends. Then why not with your man? Men always like women who are real.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively

sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com