In it for the long haul: Couples on what made their long-term courtships work

Long term relationships come with a caveat in invisible ink: This may take a while. For some, distance makes the heart grow fonder; while others have to rebel against families and all odds, which makes them grow closer. Marriage may take a while or not be in the cards at all.

According to life coach Khyati Birla, it takes a balance between comfort and spark for such long courtships to work. “In the fast-paced world we live in, there are several cases where staying together for a long period of time gives the couple a sense of comfort and familiarity,” she begins. “However, this may lead to a lack of spark and I have had found many couples going through problems because of this. Ultimately, it is up to the individuals – who are in the relationship, whether they are going to make the long term thing work as opposed to short courtships and then marriage.”
DNA talks to a few couples with compelling stories over years and years of being together.

Backpackers’ club (11 years)

Travel buddies, Alida D’souza and Aaron Fernandes have cycled down the slopes of Ladakh; snorkeled in the Andaman sea and took a cruise in Vietnam. Their decade-long journey took a new turn on Saturday, February 9, when they tied the knot in Mumbai and proceeded to ski down the Bavarian Alps on their honeymoon.

The two met during the first year of their three year BSC IT course in 2008. “On the first day of college, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me my name and we became friends,” says 29-year-old Alida. But love was a long way off, for Aaron who was in pursuit of Alida in college. “When he first asked me out on the basketball court I said no,” laughs Alida. Bandra and Dadar became the central meeting ground for the SoBo boy and the suburb girl.

Right up till the proposal, which was made on a boat in Vietnam’s Ha Long Bay, the story has been nothing short of a romantic comedy. “He gave me a ring with three diamonds on it that stand for ‘I Love You’,” says Alida . They have always believed and continue to abide by the philosophy of travel to revive newness in long term relationships. “These trips that we do that lets us spend more time together in a new place rather than the usual routine makes all the difference,” she says, who has travelled to nearly 10 destinations.

The Pujo romance (12 years) 

It was the first day of Durga Puja, or Pujo as the Bengalis refer to it, of 1990 when Srabanti Bhatacharya started dating a boy a few blocks from her home. After a teenage pursuit that included a Pujo cultural programme (where he fumbled his way through a play) and the rehearsals that preceded the final day, the two started dating. 

The difficulties of dating in an era without cell phones and internet only made it sweeter, if not a bit frustrating at times. “We would talk on the phone for hours at night after my parents fell asleep. Of course, they would come to know if I switched on the light or fans, so I’d sit in the dark, riddled with mosquito bites and talk,” she recalls.

A dozen years after that fateful Pujo night, Srabanti tied the knot with Chandramouli Bhattacharya in a ceremony much awaited by all parties, simply because of the long courtship period. “Since we started dating quite early, it may seem like we were together a long time before getting married when in reality we tied the knot right after he started his internship as a doctor, while I was doing my PhD,” she muses. “But my parents wanted me settled by that time, since I was around 27 and all my friends were getting married. His parents were also completely on board.”

While there are ups and downs in any relationship, aside from a three-month break-up, Srabanti can’t recall any rift. The reasons, she says, is simple. “We grew up together and he checked all the boxes,” she laughs and adds, “I am Thalassemia major and I told him about this right at the start. He said this was no reason for us not to be together, that it could easily have been him who had such an illness and that if I had feelings for him, then we would be together. In all these years, he’s never changed his stance.”

And on the shashthi (sixth day of Pujo) of 2015, the couple went on to celebrate their 25th anniversary to the time they started dating.

Serendipitous (12 Years) 

Priyank Pamkar first saw the love of his life waiting outside of Joshua studios to watch Abhijit Sawant perform at the Indian Idol finale when they were both in class 10. Since Pamkar's father had some authority at the studio, he let his son in, and he, in turn, let her in. However, that was not the start of his love story with his, now wife, Sneha.

It started a few weeks later when he dragged his protesting self to class 10 tuition classes and Sneha just happened to be sitting there. Suddenly, the classes – earlier an endless drag – brightened up.

“After about a year, I worked up the guts to ask her out,” he recalls. “We were together from that time onwards, then I went away for college. That was when we had a really rough patch and ended up breaking up for two years.”

Despite not being together, the two pined for each other – as they later discovered – and with some help from his mother, who went and solicited her son’s case to Sneha, the couple got back together. “After that, we dated through the rest of college and then three more years, since I wanted a stable job before I married her,” he explains. “It was after I’d been working for a couple of years that I finally decided to marry her.”

What would be his relationship mantra, we ask. He replies, “trust!”

Grow into love (14+ years)

Dr Prasad Dandekar met his partner Amitabh in January 2003 through a common friend but this was not ‘love at first sight’. “We instantly disliked each other. We have very different personalities,” says Dandekar. But over the years as they spent time with each other they grew fond of each other.

Together for over 14 years now, Dandekar says respect, patience and trust are the three essentials of any long term relationship. “Respecting not just each other but also their choices. Patience wears thins over the years and is needed in tough times. And lastly, trust that your partner will be there for you.”

Three years into their relationship they came to a fork in the road. “I got the opportunity to do my post graduation in UK in head and neck radiation. But I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to leave him. But Amitabh encouraged me,” says Dandekar, adding, “In an ironic way, the distance made us grow closer. We made it a point to meet every three months.”

After his return the couple moved in together and till date never fail to celebrate their anniversary: the day they finally decided to be together on 18 August, 2004. “We take holidays on each other’s birthdays and our anniversary. For our special day we sometimes combine it [the holiday] with the August 15 holiday and take a trip to Europe or somewhere in India,” Dandekar concludes.