Merely winning awards isn't enough, says Aruna Raje-Patil

Why the autobiography now?

I feel I'm at a stage where I have experience, distance and perspective. My journey's been long and eventful and has taught me a lot. Top stars, spot boys, unit hands, highly creative intellectual stalwarts, pseudos and those who use their bodies to get ahead in life, I've seen them all. I wanted to write about it as a way of giving back to society.

Several recently released autobiographies by well-known names in Bollywood have been guarded. How candid have you been?

I wasn't setting out to write the book to settle scores or wash dirty linen in public. I'm not that kind of a person. But I've not held back. I've been as candid as possible about my life and struggle as a person and filmmaker.

Didn't films happen to you as an accident? You were planning to become a doctor?

That's right. I was training to be a doctor at the Grant Medical College, Pune thanks to my good scores. But there, I was gripped more with the idea of doing theatre than anything else. And as luck would have it, I failed an anatomy paper when I couldn't identify the dead piece of flesh being held out by the examiner. When I decided on a whim to apply to FTII in 1967, almost everyone who knew baulked at the ease with which my mom was "letting me ruin my career". She said she just wanted me to be happy. I wanted to pursue acting but messed up a scene they made me do. However, in my interview, they were impressed with my thinking and sharpness and suggested they'd give me a double diploma in editing and direction.

But when you passed FTII with a gold medal (1969) becoming the first trained woman technician in the industry, you decided to forego the direction course.

I took to editing like a fish takes to water and finished most of my course work before time, only to go sit in the Direction classes. I fell in love with and married Vikas Desai a few months before I got my diploma. We were getting enough work and were eager to start a new life so I dropped the idea of pursuing the second diploma. Not, that it stopped me from directing films later...

But destiny dealt you several blows first...

That's right. When I think of it, I still wonder how I found the strength to cope and start afresh. As a team, we (Aruna-Vikas) directed Shaque (1976), Gehrayee (1980) and Situm (1982) and co-edited several ad and feature films including Masoom (Shekhar Kapoor, 1983) and Giddh (TS Ranga, 1984). My daughter Gaagi, who was acting in Situm, developed pain in her legs, which was diagnosed as bone cancer. We did everything, even rushed her to New York's Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, but couldn't save her.

Unknown to me, in the year I spent running around to save my daughter, my husband Vikas had gotten involved with a close friend I'd supported when her marriage was ending. Twenty-four hours after Gaagi passed away, Vikas woke me up early one morning, seeking a divorce. To shield my younger son Hith, I tried to hold on to the marriage but it was difficult after Vikas moved out. Crises were coming at me in rapid succession.

It must've been hard...

(Remains silent) I went into acute depression and even attempted suicide. Finally, for the sake of Hith, I saw a psychiatrist and began putting pieces of my life back together.

And from this Gehrayee, you found Rihaee?

Yes, I did. I liberated myself from past narratives and conversations. My mom wanted me to go back to Bangalore and live there. Based on my freedom fighter father's (part of Morarji Desai ministry in the old Bombay Presidency and later part of Karnataka's first cabinet) legacy, I was offered a chance to contest elections during the 1984 Indira Gandhi sympathy wave but saw no point in giving up filmmaking.

And then you got an offer for an ad film...

Yes. But I was at a loss. Vikas had been the talking face of our pair. I'd always been the silent worker. And here I was with no office, no team, nothing. I just took an A4 paper and with a marker used the first two characters in my children's names to create a letterhead calling it Gaahimedia and submitted the budget on that to the client. After I made that film, it boosted my confidence as work began to arrive. I took a loan for an edit machine and did ad films for Tata Tea, Tata Salt and many others. Once assured about food on the table, I began yearning to make feature films again. And that's how I made and found my Rihaee.

You were originally to cast the late Smita Patil in Rihaee?

I'd got the loan for Rihaee from NFDC. Smita and I shared a birthday and had a special bond. When pregnant, Smita was having differences with Raj (Babbar) and died soon after her son, Prateik was born. Having lost my closest friend, I relapsed into depression. I wanted to give up the film but my friends warned me the loan would lapse and my search for an actress began. There were several actresses in the reckoning. After considering many stars like Shabana Azmi, Rekha, Deepti Naval and Dimple, the screenplay writer Suraj (Saneem) suggested Hema Malini's name. I was sure she'd say no, but she agreed immediately.

So did you make the exact same film you'd set out to?

I'd written Rihaee with Smita in mind. With Hema, I went about tweaking the script to suit her. Naseeruddin Shah, who was playing the husband, became the rakish, flamboyant, other man. Vinod Khanna, who'd just come back from Osho's Koregaon ashram, came aboard and we shot in Vadnagar, which later became famous as PM Narendra Modi's hometown.

Back then it was just a dusty, arid village with no hotels to stay. All the cast and crew stayed in local houses. Both Hema and Vinod went out of their way to be accommodating knowing my limited budget. In fact, while dubbing, Vinod found out I was troubled about being short of money for the print. He just went to his car, and came back with Rs 30,000 for me. Though I returned it later, the way he reached out to help will remain a cherished memory.

We also recently lost Reema Lagoo who played a brief but most memorable seductress in Rihaee.

Though she was later stereotyped as the mother, Reema was one of the most sensuous women ever to grace our screens. Naseer's Mansukh is seducing women left, right and centre in the film; but it is Reema's character who seduces him. While her lines spoke of a land behind the hill she wants to show Mansukh, her eyes had to seduce him. I doubt many actresses would be able to pull off such raw sensuality so convincingly and with such elan.

Your feature films, TV series and documentaries seem to consciously stick to the middle ground between commercial and art cinema.

Bollywood thrives on the formulaic because everyone's trying to make money. I agree, merely winning awards and critical acclaim isn't enough. Though I've won four national awards, you won't see them displayed. I prefer people come out in larger numbers to see my film and it lets everyone who put money on it recover costs and make something over and above. Having said that, I don't compromise on my values. So you'll notice most of my films speak in the woman's voice.

You're now looked up to as a mentor filmmaker by most contemporary filmmakers. Has this success taken away the pain of the earlier setbacks?

I have no ill will or rancour for anyone. I was at a Landmark Forum session where the speaker said, 'All suffering is a matter of choice.' I was at first furious but soon realised the truth of it. I called both Vikas and his current wife and told them I don't blame them for what happened and wish them well in life. It brought complete closure for me 14 years after the divorce! It is amazing how my relationship with my son Hith too, has improved since.

Have you met your ex-husband since the book release?

I met him a few days before and he asked me about it. 'So you are on your way to becoming a published writer,' he said congratulating me. I remember feeling totally neutral while acknowledging and thanking him.

What next?

I am ready to make my first Marathi film and I have a Hindi film in the pipeline.