Laugh out loud, Mumbai!

I love Mumbai. It’s the city that never sleeps and also the city that really needs to sleep. Life in Mumbai is so hectic that you rarely get time to stop and smell the roses—it’s another fact that we don’t have gardens. So, to distract everyone, I’m going to list some of the funniest things you’ll find only in Mumbai.

1 People in Mumbai are the sweetest! You can ask anyone for directions and they don’t mind sharing their entire life story with you before you reach your destination.

2 This is the home of the stars and also the place where ‘standing outside Amitabh Bachchan’s house till he comes up to his terrace and waves’ is considered as a great Sunday evening plan. Forget bar hopping, people go residence hopping, mostly because they took a Mannat (yes, I said that).

3 As a kid, I used to watch Johnny Bravo and wonder who this guy with the big muscles is; who gets rejected by people and can’t even speak decent English. Then I visited Lokhandwala and went ‘Ah! Now I get it.’

4 Traffic in Mumbai is so bad that if you’re stuck in a jam, you can graduate college, get married, die, get reborn in Delhi, move to Mumbai and still be stuck in the same jam. There is just one rule of driving in Mumbai—“Don’t”.

5  Mumbai just became the noisiest city in the world. This city is filled with honking and screaming (and if you’re in a car with Arnab, then it’s both). The true citizens of this city talk in sign language and the only way you can enjoy Mumbai silently is if you’re in Pune.

6 Hawkers in this city are the original start-ups. They will sell you everything under the sun (including the sun if you bargain well enough). Plus, they promise on-the-spot delivery with instant cash transactions.

7 Whenever people tell me that Mumbai has a great beach, I burst out laughing—then I call up my Goan friends to share the joke. Mumbai’s beach culture is exactly like meeting nice people in Delhi…doesn’t exist!

8 Mumbai’s weather is the funniest thing to talk about because we have one season ‘Bahut garmi hai na?’ Our summer lasts the whole year. In fact, it doesn’t rain in the monsoon; it’s just the clouds sweating.

9 Mumbai has a great stand-up comedy scene, which I’m grateful to be part of. And if this column didn’t make you laugh, then do check out our show EIC vs. Bollywood. It’s out on YouTube. Yes, I said that too.

10 We have amazing tourist attractions like…uh…Goa…and uh…Dadar station.
There are tons of other things in Mumbai that make it such a great and multicultural city, and if you have something that you find funny, then come and share it with me. You’ll find me stuck in traffic, bargaining with a hawker by saying ‘Bahut garmi hai na?’

Here’s to Mumbai! Salut!